I've Been Absent

So it's been a while since I filled you with the tiny strung together events that compose my life. It's been crazy. Trixie and I just moved into the new house on Friday, we've had furniture delivered, the satellite installed, the alarm activated and barely had time for lunch, dinner or sleep. We made time for alcohol infusion...otherwise, we'd be at each other's throats. And to top it all off, Baron hates the new house. He won't go to the bathroom unless you put him on grass (of which we have none as of yet, but that's a different story and a different throat to be at), and he's puked in the house a couple of times, and that's unlike him. He's not a child, so you can't just tell him "YAY! We're at your NEW house and EVERYTHING is gonna be KEEN!" No. He fucking hates it here.

As I'm typing this I'm waiting on the foreman of the crew that built the house. There's a few "detail" items that need to be cleaned up before I'm completely satisfied and will return my "survey" of his work. Just "minor" things like plumbing problems with the jacuzzi AUTHOR'S NOTE: THE PLUMBER JUST PULLED UP OUTSIDE. I spied him from my second story office window. So anyway, now the foreman just arrived and he's going to fix a few more items in the house. Not a bad experience though. I suppose any project as large as building a house is wrought with a few hiccups here and there. Not that I advocate building a house...an extraordinary pain in the arse...indeed!

So, I've been absent, and I really don't have anything funny to say except I SLIT THE SHEET THE SHEET I SLIT AND ON THE SLITTED SHEET I SIT. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.

What else is new? This isn’t new, but simply an opinion. So, I’m watching the news this morning, toasted chocolate chip bagel in my hand, and a story reveals itself upon the screen. Apparently, a man (a convicted murderer mind you) is demanding a retrial because he feels his attorneys were incompetent. Mind you, he’s not demanding a retrial because he wants to proclaim his INNOCENCE.

What ever happened to common sense? Your attorney’s were terrible? That’s just bad luck! Chances are, if you were innocent, you would have been found not guilty to begin with! The police don’t just run around nabbing people from the streets to accuse them of murder! They usually do a decent amount of investigative tasking before they arrest a person. You know what? I’m just going to STOP right here before I “offend” someone. Which, don’t get me started on that as well. Where in the Constitution does it state, oh, I think it’s below “AN UNALIENABLE RIGHT TO LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS (TO INCLUDE NOT BEING OFFENDED BY ANY ACTIONS, REGARDLESS OF THEIR INJURIOUS NATURE TO OTHERS AND NOT SUBJECT TO COMMON SENSE, THAT OFFEND YOU AND ONLY YOU. THIS INCLUDES PROTECTED GROUPS SUCH AS MINORITIES, FOREIGNERS, ILLEGAL ALIENS, TERRORISTS AND THOSE THAT SEEK TO DESTROY THAT WHICH MAKES THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS POSSIBLE FOR THE 99 PERCENT OF AMERICANS THAT AREN’T “OFFENDED” AS EASILY AS YOU.

Goodbye for now.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
I just read the post and was unsatisfied with the snippy ending, so here's some more comedy courtesy of Steve Martin as Navin Johnson in The Jerk:

Truck Driver: St. Louis?
Navin: No. Navin Johnson.
Truck Driver: No. Do you want a ride to St. Louis?
Navin: Oh. Okay.