What Would Santa Want Played At His Funeral?

So, in a quick image search for "Santa", the above picture was the second one.

Fucking monkey nipples...she's not even bearded...not that I can tell at least.

I haven't had a gander at the clam.

Which reminds me.

I once had the best chicken wings ever at a place called The Bearded Clam.

OWNERS: Clueless or Genius?

So, back to the story at hand...

I was Santa the other night.

For a bunch of kids that live together and go to school together because their home situations aren't the best.

The organization I did this for is really great because it gives kids who would otherwise have no access to a top-notch education and stable home environment exactly that.

The kids were great.

It was Santa who caused all the trouble.

So I show up at the designated time and meet my "co-conspiritor".

She hands me the "suit" and I head to the bathroom and to await "the signal".

For those of you playing at home, any time I put things in quotes, just raise your hands above your head, c'mon...do it now!

Raise your hands above your head and bend the index and middle fingers on both hands two times.

See, I knew it would make the story more enjoyable for you.

Anyway, so I'm in the bathroom changing, awaiting "the signal", when I'm trimming out my get-up and notice there's no "hat" or "beard" in the costume package.

A quick note about me:

I could suspend shaving the rest of my life and have nothing to show for it.

A quick note about Santa:

Bearded.

I call out in anguish to my "co-conspiritor", who doesn't beleive me.

Oh, like I'd NOT want a beard and hat?

Who am I, Santa or some fat headed, big titted white guy???

Since the kids are all ages 12 - 17, we determine that hopefully we won't violate any personal beliefs of those assembled.

I decide to be "JackAss Santa".

What's "JackAss Santa" you may ask?

"JackAss Santa" is baudy, boisterous and LOUD.

When asked by a child where my beard was I responded that "there have been some cut-backs in Santa's budget."

I made it my responsibility to announce each child's name in a booming fashion, embarrasing them and all those suffering through my amaterish display.

I think the whole thing lasted an hour and a half.

Three Great Things About My Experience As "Santa":

1. It was fun doing something the kids enjoyed.
2. I didn't get peed on.
3. "Santa" got a nice bottle of Scotch out of the deal...

So, on to another thought.

I'm assembling a list of my favorite 100 songs.

Ever done it?

What's on your list?

What's your top ten?

Is it morbid to think of songs you'd like at your funeral?

Not that I've given it much thought, but I'm sure the kids trapped in close quarters with "Santa" were making plans for me...

Questions to Ponder Whilst Making Toast

1. How far past the expiration date of meat is it still safe to eat?
2. Why is Journey still enduring a snubbing by the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame?
3. Why are fire trucks red? Wouldn't a big pink polka dot paint job be more alarming?
4. Why won't Cat Stevens come back?
5. Why do Karaoke books feature "Happy Birthday?" If you don't remember the words...
6. How come I love boobs, but I'm not crazy about mine?
7. Why is Hasselhoff big in Germany?
8. Why do you ask people how they're doing when you really don't give a fuck?
9. Is Andy Kauffman dead?
10. Would MLK be horrified by this society of entitlement?
11. Did we go to the moon?
12. How come when you have crabs boiling in a pot people want to come over for dinner, but when you have them in your boxers they flee from your sight?
13. How come when something is spelled TAST-T instead of Tasty it's more appealing and you find yourself compelled to buy it?
14. How did the little silver speckles in my counter tops form?
15. Why is egg nog only available during the holiday season?
16. If Porsche employs some of the best engineers in the world, why do they need to take the car off its chasis to change the oil?
17. Why is it fun to sit outside in a hot tob while it's snowing?
18. Why is it my dog was bred to go underground, yet he hates enclosed spaces?
19. How come Ralph Lauren Polo took off but Knights of the Round Table didn't?
20. Why do people selling big houses act all snobby when, when it comes down to it, they couldn't buy the house they're trying to sell you?

Oh fuck, I burnt my toast.

I Gotta Fly to St. Somewhere...

The ground is crunching under my feet and my nose is cold.

We need to make vacation plans soon.

Pic O' the Day

Taken on a recent trip to the post office to pick up some stamps...

Word of the Day

The word of the day is quadumvirate.

Quadumvirate, n. a group or association of four men.

"The few times I've witnessed a film that features relations involving a woman and a quadumvirate, I think to myself 'Man those two guys just standing there really got the shaft'."

Pic O' the Day

Nicer weather reflected in the windows of my home.

Hey Pumpkin Tits!

So, in the haze of a Thanksgiving hangover, I plop down into the recesses of my overstuffed chair and plant myself in front of the television.

I am grasping a plate in my right hand, on which rests an enormous piece of pumpkin pie.

The plate nuzzles against my belly and I'm quickly forking through it.

I apply firm downward pressure with my fork, and in the blink of an eye the entire slice jumps off the plate, careens of my tits and lands in my lap.

With cat like, ok, bear like reflexes, I grip the pie between my index finger and thumb and place it back on my plate.

I then look down and notice I have pumpkin pie skid marks from my tits to my lap.

Fucking Thanksgiving.

First the

• the pilgrim incident

now the Titted Pie Man fiasco.