What Would Santa Want Played At His Funeral?

So, in a quick image search for "Santa", the above picture was the second one.

Fucking monkey nipples...she's not even bearded...not that I can tell at least.

I haven't had a gander at the clam.

Which reminds me.

I once had the best chicken wings ever at a place called The Bearded Clam.

OWNERS: Clueless or Genius?

So, back to the story at hand...

I was Santa the other night.

For a bunch of kids that live together and go to school together because their home situations aren't the best.

The organization I did this for is really great because it gives kids who would otherwise have no access to a top-notch education and stable home environment exactly that.

The kids were great.

It was Santa who caused all the trouble.

So I show up at the designated time and meet my "co-conspiritor".

She hands me the "suit" and I head to the bathroom and to await "the signal".

For those of you playing at home, any time I put things in quotes, just raise your hands above your head, c'mon...do it now!

Raise your hands above your head and bend the index and middle fingers on both hands two times.

See, I knew it would make the story more enjoyable for you.

Anyway, so I'm in the bathroom changing, awaiting "the signal", when I'm trimming out my get-up and notice there's no "hat" or "beard" in the costume package.

A quick note about me:

I could suspend shaving the rest of my life and have nothing to show for it.

A quick note about Santa:

Bearded.

I call out in anguish to my "co-conspiritor", who doesn't beleive me.

Oh, like I'd NOT want a beard and hat?

Who am I, Santa or some fat headed, big titted white guy???

Since the kids are all ages 12 - 17, we determine that hopefully we won't violate any personal beliefs of those assembled.

I decide to be "JackAss Santa".

What's "JackAss Santa" you may ask?

"JackAss Santa" is baudy, boisterous and LOUD.

When asked by a child where my beard was I responded that "there have been some cut-backs in Santa's budget."

I made it my responsibility to announce each child's name in a booming fashion, embarrasing them and all those suffering through my amaterish display.

I think the whole thing lasted an hour and a half.

Three Great Things About My Experience As "Santa":

1. It was fun doing something the kids enjoyed.
2. I didn't get peed on.
3. "Santa" got a nice bottle of Scotch out of the deal...

So, on to another thought.

I'm assembling a list of my favorite 100 songs.

Ever done it?

What's on your list?

What's your top ten?

Is it morbid to think of songs you'd like at your funeral?

Not that I've given it much thought, but I'm sure the kids trapped in close quarters with "Santa" were making plans for me...