A Treat for the Mind

An email exchange yesterday between my friend Mary and myself. Vince is my best friend and Mary's fiance.

Mary:

I just thought of this.
have you ever had anything weird in your car or a weird combination of things and thought about how embarrassed you'd be if you got in an accident.
well vince and I went to mr and mrs sweeney's house to pick up a jeep full of his toys from thier basement (they are 'cleaning him out' of thier basement) as we were driving home I couldn't stop laughing after I pictured us getting into an accident and toys and trinkets flying out of the car and scattering themselves all over the highway. "FRANK, LOOK OUT FOR THAT PEZ DISPENSER DISPLAY!!!!!!". It would be like santa's sleigh getting hit on the highway.

Me:

Picture Vince getting hit broadside by a train because he’s “late for work”. His cargo, which exploded on impact and is now strewn in the trees and gravel lining the tracks consists of a case of Massengil, four economy bottles of ketchup, a four foot cactus, nine balloon animals, a vibrator and a life size Bart Simpson. He’s laying there, unconscious, as on lookers pilfer through the assorted debris. Huh, Huh, Huh... Oh, and the on lookers think he’s bleeding to death, but he’s just covered in Massengil and ketchup.

Mary:

ew, massengill.
or what if you were in a halloween costume and there you are on the road with your feathered mask and purple tights and tennis shoes. and there are beer cans rolling about on the road because they flew out of your cooler. and your prince c/d is still blaring in the car and it's just finished purple rain and is going onto "gonna party like it's 1999".

Me:

Well, if your name is Vince, you roll downhill on the pavement to retrieve a beer, wipe the powder from your face (your tennis shoes were Reebok pumps, and upon impact they exploded, spraying powder on your face) and enjoy the music until Mary picks you up. While waiting for your ride, you call your friends from your cell phone and tell them that something “awesome” just happened. When Mary arrives, you get this “What??” look on your face.

Seen Today

Squinting through my groggily glazed eyes this morning, making the morning commute, etched into the grime and grease on the back of a trailer hauling limestone:

I LIKE FAT CHICKS

Out of Work? Try Gambling...

Am I the only one who finds the mass marketing of gaming opportunities like Texas Hold 'Em, or the proliferation of "Get Rich Quick by Gambling" tapes, CD's and DVD's a tad bit irresponsible?

Let me start by saying I like to gamble. It's an enjoyable recreation, and sometimes if you get lucky you might leave a little heavier in the pockets than when you arrived. I've played craps blind drunk at Caesar's Palace until four in the morning and won a lot of money. I've also lost a couple hundred dollars in the matter of minutes. It didn't matter, it's entertainment. I didn't NEED the money.

But it's those who DO need the money that these "Get Rich Quick" schemers have in their crosshairs. I am very fortunate. I have a great career and earn a healthy living. My good fortune doesn't end there. I also have the ability to employ rational thought and act responsibly. But unfortunately it's the hourly wage earners that aren't equipped with the same thinking mechanisms and are not only buying these expensive CD's that claim to "turn you from beginner to pro overnight", but are taking the little money they earn to the casino on the weekends. Never mind the fact that your daughter hasn't had a meal outside of Taco Bell for three weeks, or that your refridgerator's contents are government cheese and stale bread, you know you can make it big in the poker world and maybe you'll be featured on one of the seemingly endless poker shows on television. Some people never learn. I suppose it's a lesson in capitalism. If one person's got a pile of steaming dog shit in their hand, someone else will be willing to buy it.

I think it's irresponsible on the part of the person gambling, but it doesn't end there. Casinos employ some despicable tactics as well. I have a good friend that works in the charitable field, and his agency runs a senior meals program. These people have nothing. They don't have bread, they don't have milk, and alot of them don't have heat or A/C in their homes. After feeding them three times a week, the agency sends them home with food to hold them over until the next meal at the agency. Get the point? THEY'RE POOR! DOWNTRODDEN! POVERTY STRIKEN! RELIANT ON SOCIAL WELFARE! In spite of their circumstances, the local casino sends a shuttle quite frequently to pick them up to take them gambling. Now, who's really to blame? The casino, or the irresponsible gamblers? Guilty on both counts your honor!

New shooter comin' out!

As You're Riding the Metrolink to Rob a House, Don't Smoke in My Town

I live in St. Louis. St. Louis - home of the world's largest brewer, Anheuser - Busch. St. Louis - home to one of baseball's most storied franchises, the St. Louis Cardinals. St. Louis - envisioned by and put into place as the Gateway to the West by President Thomas Jefferson. St. Louis - home of the world famous Gateway Arch.

St. Louis - a jarring illustration of the contemptable failure of disjointed municipalities. Allow me to explain. The Greater St. Louis Region is split between the City of St. Louis and St. Louis County.

The City of St. Louis encompasses approximately 61 square miles, is home to approximately 396,000 people, and is governed by a Mayor and Board of Alderman. The City Police maintain order, the City Fire Department responds to fire and rescue calls and City Ambulatory services respond to medical emergencies and transport patients to area hospitals. In spite of its shortcomings, Ward fragmentation and turf posturing, the City is experiencing a development boom and population resurgance, thanks in part to public and private dollar collaborations and also to the leadership of its visionary Mayor, Francis Slay.

Conversely, St. Louis County spans 524 square miles, is home to approximately 1,000,000 Missourians, and is governed by a County Executive and County Council - sort of. You see, inside the boundaries of St. Louis County exist 92 separate municipalities. NINETY - TWO. Translated, that's NINETY - TWO Mayors, NINETY - TWO Building Codes, NINETY - TWO Police Departments (Well, not quite. Some municipalities contract with the St. Louis County Police), NINETY - TWO Fire Departments, NINETY - TWO...Well you get the point.

The Greater Saint Louis Area possesses the individual and corporate leadership and the public and private resources to be a great place once again. If we can thrust from our shoulders the fragmentary structure that governs the region, these leaders and these resources can be harmoniously applied to accomplishing the aforementioned objective.

Let me give you two examples of the restrictive (and destructive) barriers to Region wide economic and infastructure progress the municipality system constructs.

METROLINK MARAUDERS
Since 1993, the St. Louis Metro Area has benefitted through our light rail system, Metrolink. The system was designed to serve the City of St. Louis, the Metro East (Illinois) and surrounding municipalities in St. Louis County. Plans were put in place to expand the service area to reach deep into southern, northern and western portions of St. Louis County. Twelve years later, the Metrolink is an asset for residents of the City of St. Louis and the Metro East. What about St. Louis County you may ask? To give you a real - life example of the handicapping nature of municipality oversight, let's talk about St. Charles for a moment. St. Charles is a municipality north and west of the City of St. Louis. When plans to extend service to St. Charles were brought to the St. Charles City Council, the matter was overwhelmingly defeated. Why? It was feared that residents from the City of St. Louis would ride the Metrolink out to St. Charles, rob houses while St. Charles residents were away at work, and then ride the Metrolink back into the City, flush with new televisions, radios, cameras and household items. Paints a funny picture, doesn't it? Just think for a moment of how RIDICULOUS and UNREALISTIC that assertation really is! First of all, if someone's going to rob a house, they don't need a Metrolink train to do so. Chances are they'll steal a car to rob a house. Now, picture in your mind a gang of thieves sitting on a Metrolink train, traversing the Region, making all the station stops in their forty - five minute journey. Now, after exiting the train at their station, our Rail Ridin' Robbers lug the loot all the way from the station to their "hideout". Paranoia Prevents Progress.

What's disconcerting about this particular situation is that St. Louis County desires and needs the Metrolink. When surveyed, a majority of St. Louis County residents say they would ride Metrolink if it were available. The region as a whole wants Metrolink expanded. The system plays perfectly in reducing the stress of commuting to work, decreasing pollution produced by automobiles and providing a safe alternative to driving for those "inbibing" from time to time. Municipalities are preventing this from happening. If an autonomous panel could be assembled at the County level, comprised of area leaders, and this panel could operate independently of the municipalities, the Metrolink system would stretch the region and benefit all. St. Charles residents could ride the train to Lambert International Airport...only five miles away. Residents in South County could forego the morning commute and read the local newspaper on their way to their downtown office every morning. North County residents could enjoy an evening on the town and leave the transportation to Metrolink. Until the municipalities are disbanded and consolidated under one governing structure, these positive outcomes will exist only in our minds.

PROFITS AND LIVELIHOODS UP IN SMOKE
Another deficiency of the municipality system is that it equips City Councils with the ability to effect changes that result in loss of business (and income) for business owners, a decrease in sales tax revenue (income to the municipality) and a plummet in take home pay among wage earners. My example of this issue is the Legislation du jour of banning smoking in bars in restaurants. These municipalities take it upon themselves to ban smoking to "improve the quality of life" for their residents. I don't know about you, but I resent someone thinking for me. Beside that point is the trickle down effects that I think are not given proper attention during the decision making process. Let me paint you a picture:

Joe Southside has owned a tavern for 25 years. He has a steady stream of regulars, does a good amount of business in food service and is fortunate to have a dedicated staff. While successful, Joe's tavern operates on a meager budget and provides little room for capital expenditures. His staff make a decent living because their good service and familiarity with customers is rewarded by generous tipping. Being a tavern, a large amount of Joe's customers are smokers, and the one's who aren't reasonably expect to be in the prescence of smoke while enjoying themselves at Joe's...after all, it IS A TAVERN.

In spite of the fact that Joe's tavern and the remainder of taverns and eating establishments in the municipality generate revenue for the municipality, income for its residents and eventually income tax revenue from those residents...I could continue, but you get the point, the City Council decides to ban smoking in all taverns and eating establishments. After all, a small group of "concerned citizens", who most likely don't patronize these establisments, has circulated a petition and demanded action. GUIDING PRINCIPLE #1 THE WILL OF THE FEW SHOULD NEVER DETERMINE THE DESTINY OF THE MANY
There is one glimmer of hope in the newly enacted legislation...if Joe walls off a SEPARATE smoking area and installs SPECIALIZED FILTERS AND SMOKE ERADICATION EQUIPMENT he can still permit his customers to exercise their constitutionally guaranteed right of life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Small problem. Remember that shoe string budget? Joe has a choice to make. He can either:

1. Go into debt to pay for the improvements.
2. Terminate one of his dedicated employees to pay for the improvements.
3. Raise prices and ask his loyal customers to absorb the cost of the improvements.
4. Close the tavern.

Irregardless of the final decision, the end result will be less revenue for Joe, less income for his staff and less tax revenue (or if Joe leaves, none at all) for the municipality. Obviously, closing the tavern or letting a staff member go will have the most traumatic impact.

If St. Louis County could band together and pool the human and financial resources of its municipalities, it could partner with the City of St. Louis to become the World Class Region its capable of being. As a Region, we're selling ourselves short...and either we don't see that, or the municipalities are too concerned with self - servedness and protecting their "little kingdoms" to see that if the Region succeeds, they succeed as well.

Instead of being bound only by its imagination, the Region is tethered by its history and self - defeating attitude. On the other hand, positive change is emerging in the City of St. Louis. An unlikely venue, but quickly becoming a source of civic pride. Perhaps there's hope after all...

There's a story behind everything...

There's a story behind everything and even if you make the story up, the story is the best part of seeing funny shit.

Take for instance what I saw when leaving my office this afternoon.

I'm leaving the parking lot of my building, and in turning onto the street, I'm nearly made a posthumous philanthropist by a lights - a - flashin', we're haulin' ass!!! ambulance. As I follow the vehicle across my field of vision, my eyes are drawn to an object sweeping along the ground at breakneck speed. It tumbles and twists, and when it finally comes to rest, I see what it is - a purple dyed hair weave. In light of its journey...of which I've witnessed only fifteen seconds...it's in pretty good shape. I make a right turn and head home.

Somewhere out there, tonight - a cold night at that - someone is without their hair. Or part of their hair anyway. How did this happen? Where or where did you come from hair?

Was the owner a victim of a weavejacking? Were the ambulance and the weave braided into the same story? Does the owner have a backup weave? Will they need to purchase a new one before Monday? What if the weave store is closed this weekend? What if she has a second date tonight, and her companion has only seen her in the weave? Will she be recognized? Will she still have a chance at love? Have the turn of events possibly ruined her chances for marriage? Does the carpet still match the drapes?

What if our weaveless friend is leaving today -going out of the country with her boyfriend??? I'm sure TSA is going to give the situation extra scrutiny. "I'm sorry ma'am, the woman in this passport photo obviously has a weave. You're bald. Come with me please." So she misses her flight, her boyfriend meets someone else on the plane and the love between them is now as lost as the weave. It's not out of the realm of possibility!

Ahhh today is payday. How's a weaveless person going to cash a check with picture ID that clearly shows a person WITH a weave? So, no money for the weekend. Now she's got to hold off on buying groceries...a new weave...and perscription medicine. She suffers a massive infarction over the weaveless weekend, and without money for nitroglycerine tablets, she dies.

Can it not happen? To think, she could have gone to Europe, cashed her paycheck and remained among the living souls on Earth...if she'd have simply secured her weave.

Does Anybody Remember...???

Driving home from work today, behind yet another Cadillac Escalade, something dawned on me.

Does anybody remember when it MEANT SOMETHING to drive a Cadillac? A Cadillac was something to aspire to, a destination if you will. Man, one day when I'm rich and successful I'm going to own a Cadillac.

When I'm rich and successful...It used to be that you had to be rich and successful to own a Cadillac. I'm not praising Cadillac for making their cars more accessible to middle America...God knows they're still very expensive automobiles. What I'm asking is how in the hell are all these people driving Cadillacs? No response please. It's a rhetorical question.

Judy Soccer Mom is driving her Cadillac Escalade by day and parking it in her one car garage at night. Don't get me wrong here, growing up, not only did I long for a Cadillac, I yearned to have a garage...period.

Which brings me to another point...Who in God's name is building all of these ENORMOUS houses??? My wife and I are building a home now and we've had a chance to glimpse into the seedy world of home building. In other words, we now know what a screw job building a home is. In looking for a neighborhood, we asked ourselves "just how is it that a family builds a 3,000 sq ft home, landscapes it, installs a pool and fills it with plasma tv's and chippendale furniture...and Mom stays at home with the 4 kids?"

I just don't get it. My wife and I are both professionals and make a very comfortable living and still balked at the price of these homes...But they're selling out, and fast. In just no time, the streets will be teeming with pocket bikes (another post on my abhorence of those is forthcoming) and children who fail to look both ways before becoming a nuisance in the streets. You ever notice that parents of brat kids give YOU a dirty look as you attempt to use the street for its intended purpose? It's not a playground PTA Betty, if it were they would have installed a slide and monkey bars when they poured the concrete. But, I digress...

Just how is it that these people are building mini-mansions and driving luxury automobiles? The Hoosier Mentality. My wife and I coined this phrase to describe those that want FUN at any cost.

An Example: Buford really wants one of them new pocket bikes. In spite of the fact that he's forty years old, hasn't made a house payment in two months, isn't saving for retirement and is facing a possibility of a layoff, he buys two. One for him, and one for his friend, who doesn't have the money, but he's "good for it". You see, the Hoosier Mentality celebrates "Payin' the bills ain't fun...but this new pocket bike brings me good times". It's all about the good times...and impressing your friends with your "stuff". It's just a matter of time until we can add "overdue hospital bill" to Buford's liabilities column.

It's simply a matter of irresponsibility and a lack of forethought. Oh well, I gotta go now, need an oil change on the Honda and I'm going to research the possibilty of launcing a Pre-Owned House and Luxury Car web site. Gonna be alot of those for sale real soon...

Seeping Out of My Ear...

Are the contents of my brain...years of memories, common sense, the ability to remember and formulate thought...are the contents of my brain seeping out of my ear?

So, I turned 30 in October. I wish I could blame the cranial vacancy on this turn of events, but I've been noticing some problems for the past year or so. Don't become alarmed, I assure you I'm not ill...I'm just getting dumber. I can't understand how or why it's happening, but I'm regressing more and more every day. I've begun to lose my short term...what was I saying? Anyway, my wife, who's a medical person, assures me I'm not getting any dumber, just older.

I don't know about that. My friends, who are my age, aren't getting dumber. Well, there is Vince, but we can chalk that up to "better living through pharmaceuticals" and a few years of a Bob Segeresque existence. Anyway, we're talking about me. I wish I could give you a few examples of my mindlessness, but I can't recall any. Which, is why I'm posting here...at least I can refer to my blog now and again as I chronicle my thoughts, observations and opinions.

An Observation -

So I'm creeping along in my car the other day, in the rain soaked, tail light illuminated left lane of Hwy 44. I live in St. Louis. Bored to the point of stabbing my eyes with pencils, I glance to my right. Poured into a heap of trash on wheels is a big fat hoosier. (Author's note: I will use the term hoosier in an extremely prevelant manner. For those of you living outside the St. Louis metropolitan area, a hoosier is a hick, a redneck, a backwoods moron, someone who's referred to by their children as Uncle Dad) So, the hoosier behind the wheel is enjoying a smoke, most likely of the Dirt Cheap Store 99 cents per pack variety, or if it was payday, maybe GPC's...Now ordinarily when one smokes in a vehicle, they crack the window slightly to allow for air escape and to create an opening to ash and eventually discard their cigarette. Not our friend. His window isn't of the traditional variety. Instead of a window, he's got him some clear plastic affixed to the door frame and covering the window opening. Boldly disregarding safety concerns, and the fact that it's pouring down rain and has been for days, my question is why can't you just get the window replaced??? So as I examine the craftsmanship closer, I notice that our friend is in fact able to "crack his window", as he's rolled up the front bottom corner of his plastic, and is using the six inch opening to ash his cigarette.

I see alot of funny shit everyday. I think one of my favorites lately is the lady I saw jogging down a busy street with her golden retriever. That by itself is not very funny. But the fact that the dog is smiling and jogging along with its own shit bag tethered to its collar is...We have very strict "cleanup" laws around here. Now, does that dog really need to be subjected to having its waste hoisted around its neck??? Imagine if you made your wife or husband do that...opens up a whole new market for jewelers and the ziplok people doesn't it???

I may not know much, but I do know I'd rather have the contents of my brain seeping out of my ears than have a bag of my own shit draped over my shoulders.