Unconnected Rambling

Surreal Life
So, I'm looking at the next lineup for the Surreal Life (don't ask, it's just something I can't stop watching, okay, maybe I don't watch it too much, I don't make time to see it and I certainly don't Tivo it.) and I think they may have finally hit rock bottom. The cast is:

Omarosa - Someone needs to tell her the clock stopped ticking...well, actually, it never started. - Note to Omarosa - You have absolutely NO redeeming qualities. Your blatant self promotion is tiring and certainly not endearing. GO AWAY.

José Canseco - Makes the transition from ruining baseball to well, this show can't get much worse. Housemates, watch your asses closely, he might still be looking to "stick" someone.

Janice Dickinson - I have no idea who she is. The VH1 bio babbles something about Next Top Model or something. Didn't we dance that dame last season?

Bronson Pinchot - He's gone Hollywood on us. I'm afraid it's true. His claim to fame on the VH1 bio is listed as "Beverly Hills Cop", when we all know he's Balky from Perfect Strangers. Embrace it Bronson, it's all you've got anymore. Don't shut out Cousin Larry!

Sandi Denton - Salt n' Pepa, VH1, you coulda done betta.

Caprice - Another model type. I hope she knows this show possesses no upward mobility...

Carey Hart - Some motorcyle guy. Great. Just bust your head open in the first episode and stay in the hospital so I won't have to suffer with you starting every sentence with the word "dude" or "hey man".

Sign Me Up
I recently saw a sign in and around (within a two or three mile area) my neighborhood stating:

LOST

CAT

VERY OLD

NEEDS MEDICATION

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE

It then listed a telephone number 314-XXX-XXXX.

I live in Jefferson County.

The area code is 636.

Just HOW FAR did this cat wander?

My wife and I talked about this.

FIRSTLY
If it's old, and needs medication, chances are, I'm going to be alright if I try to "capture" it. Most likely, it's malnourished and lethargic. Not exactly the "big cats" you see at the circus.

SECONDLY
So, if I'm not supposed to "capture" the cat, what the hell am I supposed to do? Call the number and say "Uh, oh, this is Ascot Sheffield, and I just saw your cat on Gravois Road. It looked close to death, and I thought that if I picked it up and rushed it to the animal clinic, it might make it, but then I harkened back to your order to "not capture" it, so I just blew past it and rushed home to call you...after I stopped off at K-Mart and Dierbergs, and got some ice cream too. So, if you're still interested in getting the cat back, I last saw it at Gravois and 141. Good luck. Happy petting."

I'm a Star
I'll admit it. I like karaoke, as do my friends. I recenly sang on Saturday as opposed to Friday, and found the new Karaoke Chick a breath of fresh air. Here's why:

1. She lets you sing. Instead of belting out hit after hit of her own, she lets the patrons make asses of themselves.
2. She makes the first 10 people pick two songs, and sing them back to back.

Some highlights of the evening's singers were: "Lido Shuffle" sung in the style of Boz Skaggs, "Suspicious Minds" by E and these two awesome black girls that sang "Respect" by Aretha Franklin.

Why is it some people find it necessary to sing suicide inducing songs? We're all here to have a few beers and have a laugh or two. If I hear anyone sing "I went skydiving, rocky mountain climbing..." one more fucking time, I'm going to rush the stage and begin feeding them a dirty ashtray. Also, when you're 79 years old, you really shouldn't be at a bar at 1:30 in the morning. If I EVER found my grandpa out at that hour, he better be lost in a dementia stroll, or looking for a hospital...not singing the same song for the 26th week in a row.