My Meandering Mind

A Fresh Brand of Newspeak?

2007-04-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

An old post that I'm just getting around to putting up. No, I'm not on an Orwell kick, although he is one of my favorites . . .

Floating about on the Internet right now is an anti-Hilary Clinton piece, a mash-up of the groundbreaking Apple Computer 1984 commerical.

It's very well edited and quite effective. The message concludes with a BarackObama.com tagline.

Here's a link.

Not surprisingly, the Obama camp is denying any connection.

Which begs the question, how has the Internet affected one's ability, especially a political candidate's ability, to speak with anonymity?

The tactic is far from contemporary. One of our country's earliest leaders, Thomas Jefferson, used press sources to slander John Adams in his bid for the presidency.

But by making it possible for the message to reach diverse and distant groups, anonymously, with lightning speed, the Internet is a weapon of much greater potency than a newspaper, television show or underground leaflet.

Think about it. Here are just a few Internet methods:

Internet news

Message boards

Instant messaging

MySpace

Blogs

RSS Newsfeeds

YouTube

Facebook

Podcasts

Camera phones

Spam

Webcasts

Streaming audio & video

Web-based games

Online communities

Commercials

All can be employed with a relative sense of anonymity, or at minimum can decieve the viewer regarding the true source of the material. Certainly these tactics can benefit one party directly or indirectly while at the same time preserving a candidate's ability to distance themselves from the message.

And, unlike a leaflet or letter, which one person must physically pass to another, an email or link can be forwarded by one person to hundereds of others with great ease.

Unlike a television news program, which is viewed traditionally only one time, Internet news programs and videos are preserved for as long as there's an interest in them.

Unlike a newspaper, which is read and thrown away, Internet news remains available for greater periods of time.

Unlike traditional media sources which are published daily or three times per day, Internet content can be revised nearly instantly. Got a leak to the press? You can bet that anonymous breaking news will be distributed via the world wide web.

Perhaps the 1984 piece was created by an anti-Obama camp, maybe even one loosely connected to Hilary Clinton. After all, anonymity works both ways. Could Clinton have created it to cast Obama in a poor light? It's possible.

So, a messaging cloak can both harm and help political candidates.

And as a concealer and message distribution system, nothing today works better than the Internet.

Orwell Again Shines Through

2007-04-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

'Smith!' yelled a voice from the telescreen. '6079 Smith W.! Hands out of pockets in the cells!'1984, George Orwell

Text below from an article on England's plan to beef up their surveillance cameras with the ability to shout at offenders.

Dig the part toward the end where "tryouts for the voice" are mentioned.

That doesn't sound like the Youth League or The Spies, does it?

Terrifying.

Big Brother barks? Govt unveils shouting CCTV cameras

Talking" closed-circuit television (CCTV) cameras which allow operators to shout at people behaving badly are to be installed across England, the government announced Wednesday.

The scheme lets local council workers in a control centre monitor pictures from the cameras and talk to them if they feel they are doing something wrong.

The cameras were piloted in Middlesbrough, north-east England, where they have been used to reprimand vandals and litter bugs, but now loudspeakers are being fitted to cameras in another 20 areas.

Britain has some 4.2 million CCTV cameras and the government's privacy watchdog, Information Commissioner Richard Thomas, warned last year that the nation risks "sleep-walking into a surveillance society".

Human rights group Privacy International says Britain is the worst country in the European Union at protecting individuals' privacy, citing "endemic surveillance".

And a powerful group of lawmakers -- the House of Commons home affairs select committee -- is to hold an inquiry into the extent of surveillance in Britain this year.

The "talking CCTV" move comes as Prime Minister Tony Blair's administration attempts to impose a "respect agenda" by cracking down on petty anti-social behaviour.

Home Secretary John Reid defended the scheme, saying it was aimed at "the small minority who think it is acceptable to litter our streets, vandalise our communities and damage our properties."

Reid added that schools in many areas were holding competitions for children to become the "voice" of CCTV cameras.

The scheme is likely to cost around 500,000 pounds (740,000 euros, 988,000 dollars).

Show 'Em What You've Got

2007-02-28T18:46:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening.

Haven't seen you here before.

Welcome to the gutter.

Never a dull moment here.

So here's the problem:

Poor little Antonella Barba. The spunky twenty-year-old American Idol contestant might have earned herself a new moniker; salacious.

She's very photogenic. Which, would normally be a good thing for someone pursuing a career in entertainment.

Ms. Antonella loves being photographed. I've attached a G-rated photo for your viewing pleasure. There's tons more out there.

The problem is that quite often, she's photographed in various states of undress. She's allegedly appeared in at least one photograph performing a sex act on the photographer. I have my doubts about this one.

So, are there any reasons for removing Antonella from American Idol?

One must consider the values of the main players in this situation.

Antonella Barba - She has the right to continue on the show. At this point, only some of the photos have been authenticated. She hasn't broken any laws.

She holds no monopoly among her peer groups in doing stupid things in front of cameras. The only difference is that she's now in the International spotlight and her photographs are drawing interest.

American Idol - FOX has the right to continue the show with Antonella, but it also has the right to remove her. Creative control resides with its producers.

While American Idol has been mum on this situation, they have, in the past, cut the journey short for contestants like Frenchie Davis, who appeared topless on a couple of websites. The show is called American Idol. Are Antonella's actions those of an Idol to young people, the show's biggest audience? No doubt, show creators guard its institutional integrity very closely.

Of the Barba drama, Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe has issued only one terse statement. "It's sad, isn't it, that your best friends are the ones that come forward with information that will go to Smoking Gun or put your photographs on the web,'' said Lythgoe.

Lythgoe's tight-lipped approach may be marching orders from the top, FOX Television, whose overarching goal is to sell commercials and boost revenues for the network.

American Idol Advertisers - If this group exerts collective pressure, it's likely that even the 800 pound gorilla that is American Idol will aquiesce and somehow engineer Antonella's departure. After all, advertisers have two legitimate concerns, both closely linked to the morality of the show.

If mom and dad decide the show is morally left of center, pre-teen target audiences may vanish. Advertisers signed contracts with FOX expecting to reach this demographic.

Negative backlash of the pictures may begin to erode the integrity of advertiser's products. Boycott's aren't out of the question.

The Remaining Idol Contestants - There are a few possibilities here, all of which may support Antonella's departure. The contestants are already under crushing stress and this situation has done nothing but add weight to a heavy load. Is it fair that these contestants endure additional pressure?

Antonella has received buckets more attention and publicity since the release of the "pictures". This scandal may only serve to help her win the contest, or at minimum, outlast more deserving candidates.

Just a few thoughts on the matter.

If I were Nigel Lythgoe, I suppose I'd let her stay. She hasn't done anything wrong. The scandal has only heightened awareness of the show.

And, my God, this problem will most likely take care of itself.

Her lack of morals have been brought into question. It's not lack of morals that are going to get her thrown off.

It's lack of talent.

An Inconvenient Ice Storm

2007-02-14T06:37:00.000-08:00

Brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

HOUSE HEARING ON 'WARMING OF THE PLANET' CANCELED AFTER ICE STORM
HEARING NOTICE
Tue Feb 13 2007 19:31:25 ET

The Subcommittee on Energy and Air Quality hearing scheduled for Wednesday, February 14, 2007, at 10:00 a.m. in room 2123 Rayburn House Office Building has been postponed due to inclement weather. The hearing is entitled “Climate Change: Are Greenhouse Gas Emissions from Human Activities Contributing to a Warming of the Planet?”

The hearing will be rescheduled to a date and time to be announced later.

DC WEATHER REPORT:

Wednesday: Freezing rain in the morning. Total ice accumulation between one half to three quarters of an inch. Brisk with highs in the mid 30s. North winds 10 to 15 mph...increasing to northwest 20 to 25 mph in the afternoon. Chance of precipitation near 100 percent.

Wednesday Night: Partly cloudy. Lows around 18. Northwest winds around 20 mph.

Attics of My Life

2007-02-09T15:36:00.001-08:00

Playing on my iPod right now: Lonely Boy by Andrew Gold

Songs that begin with "A" on my iPod:

A Bad Dream - Keane
A Big Hunk O' Love - Elvis
A Conspiracy - The Black Crowes
A Day in the Life - Beatles
A Feast of Friends - The Doors
A Fool Such as I - Elvis
A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall - Bob Dylan
A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
A Legal Matter - The Who
A Legend in My Time - Johnny Cash
A Little Less Conversation - Elvis
A Long December - Counting Crowes
A Lovely Way to Spend an Evening - Frank Sinatra
A Man in a Purple Dress - The Who
A Matter of Trust - Billy Joel
A Message - Coldplay
A Month of Sundays - Don Henley
A N**** With a Gun - Snoop
A New Machine - Pink Floyd
A New Machine (Part II) - Pink Floyd
A Passage to Bangkok - Rush
A Pirate Looks at Forty- Jimmy Buffett
A Pocket Full of Stones - David Gilmour
A Rush of Blood to the Head - Coldplay
A Thousand Hours - The Cure
A View to a Kill - Duran Duran
A Whisper - Coldplay

Things I've Enjoyed Lately

A cooking class with my wife

Playing with my dog

Golden Tee brilliance and beer swilling in various South City taverns

Game Night at my house

Favorite Restaurant This Month

Vin de Set

What I'm Reading

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

What I'm Drinking (or Saving) This one's for you Becky...

2004 Jayer Gilles Hautes Cote du Nuits

2003 Hegarty Cuvee No. 1

1996 Cooper's Legacy Cabernet

Bands I Shouldn't Enjoy, But Do

Keane

Living Things

The Album Leaf

Patrick Park

Last Song I Downloaded

She's Like the Wind by Patrick Swayze (yes, there is a story behind it.)

The Breakup Box

2007-02-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

So, Trixie, J, Becky and I were out a few weeks back, and the subject of teen breakups arose.

I confessed that I used to make "mix tapes" in an effort to win a girl back.

Last week, we got a CD from J and Becky titled Baby Come Back - A Tribute to Trixie

Here are the tracks:

1. More Than Words by Extreme
2. Don't Let It End by Styx
3. Please Don't Go Girl by New Kids on the Block
4. I Do It For You by Bryan Adams
5. I'd Die For You by Bon Jovi
6. I Can't Hold Back by Survivor
7. Every Woman in the World by Air Supply
8. I'll Make Love to You by Boys 2 Men
9. I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner
10. One More Night by Phil Collins
11. Make It With You by Bread
12. Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx
13. Baby Come Back by Player

So, we retaliated with Never Say Goodbye - we published it on iTunes as "The Breakup Box" in the iMix section as well . . .

1. It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday by Boys 2 Men
2. Never Say Goodbye by Bon Jovi
3. The Search is Over by Survivor
4. She's Like the Wind by Patrick Swayze
5. The Old Songs by Barry Manilow
6. Three Times a Lady by The Commodores
7. Without You by Air Supply
8. Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago
9. When I Look Into Your Eyes by Firehouse
10. I Can't Live Without Your Love and Affection by Nelson

Oh, and for those of you in St. Louis, we celebrated Trixie's b-day at Vin de Set. HOLY HUMPING HOOKERS!!! OUT OF SIGHT!

Fucking Moose Tits! It's COLD!

2007-01-16T13:53:00.000-08:00

So, thanks to Nervous Thoughts, I've been brought out of my slumber, very unlike the plants in the pictures here. . .

What's been going on? Do you even care? Do I even care?

Well, I survived my first semester back in COLLIGE.

Happy to report my 3.93 GPA. It would have been a 4.0, but the leftist whack-job who "doesn't beleive in grades" and who "gives everyone a B on the first exam" (I'm not making this shit up...a product of the 'everybody gets a trophy-ization' of America) gave me an A-.

I'm appealing it.

All set to graduate in May 2008, if I don't take a job that someone called me about.

"Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in!"

UPDATE SOON!

2006-08-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

FUCKING MONKEY BALLS, I CAN'T EVEN WIPE MY ASS I BEEN SO BUSY!

So, if you'll bear with the scent of my raw ass and my lapse in blogging commitment, I should have interesting and exciting news in the next few days.

Can you say Dean's List?

Peace Out.

Rock it at the RadioTron.

Thank God for the Internets

2006-07-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

Examples A & B

Oh, and I'm going to try to snap a picture of a guy in one of my Philosophy classes. He looks like Santa Claus but thinks he's Sophacles, so I have dubbed him Santacles.

Ta Ta.

2006-07-07T12:57:00.000-07:00

2006-07-07T12:53:00.000-07:00

2006-07-07T12:49:00.000-07:00

CodaChrome

2006-07-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

My grandfather did many things throughout his life.

He was a salesman.

He worked as a toll-taker on a historic bridge.

He was a photographer.

He was a railroad detective.

He was a tail-gunner in a WWII B-17 Bomber.

Everything he ever did was to make his family the great family it is.

These are a few of my favorite photos of his.

Star of Academia

2006-07-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

Well, school has started.

Here's my class load for the Summer 2006 semester:

Monday and Wednesday
INTRO TO MEDIA PRODUCTION

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday
CRITICAL THINKING

What I've learned so far:

1. I think college has gotten easier. Let me give you an example. In my Media Production class, we have only 8 class sessions. Here's what my grade is based upon:

50% CLASS ATTENDANCE
40% CLASS PARTICIPATION
10% TAKE HOME FINAL EXAM

2. Students today aren't that bright. We were discussing an image, and the professor mentioned that it reminded him of the Titanic at the bottom of the sea. When asked when the Titanic sank, a shining star in a second row seat exclaimed "In the 1920's!"

3. I'm old. I'm getting one hell of a good education, which, when paired with my ten years of industry specific experience, will land me a killer job with mucho jacko...

4. I don't know what to wear to class. Sometimes I have client meetings before or after class, so I dress accordingly. Being one of the few blue-bloods on a liberal rampant campus, I feel slightly uneasy in Brooks Brothers. On the other hand, I don't want to be the old guy wearing the "funny" T-Shirts like the kids, even though that's what I wear around the house...

5. If I could make a decent living, I'd be a photographer. The last class, we were all turned loose on campus to shoot pictures with a 35mm SLR. My God, I forgot how much fun shot composition is! My only complaint is that we had to share the camera with two other students. For $20K a year in tuition, I want my own fucking camera.

Here's how the Fall 2006 semester shakes out:

INTRO TO BUSINESS - My God, I've taken this class already. They wouldn't transfer it. This, paired with the fact that I've WORKED IN THE REAL WORLD FOR OVER A DECADE, means if I don't get an A+, I'm hosting an open call for anyone who wants, to kick me in the nuts.

MASS COMMUNICATIONS

FUNDAMENTALS OF STRATEGIC COMMUNICATIONS AND PUBLIC RELATIONS

MEDIA WRITING

THE HISTORY OF ROCK N' ROLL - Yeah, it's a copout. It's also an elective, and I need an elective. So go fuck your mother.

Sure, that sounds good! Sign it up!

2006-06-13T10:15:00.000-07:00

I went to Office Max yesterday to buy some paper for my printer.

I picked up two reams and the bill was $9.63.

The cashier asked me if I wanted to open a charge account and save ten percent.

Dumbass that I am, I actually passed up the chance to save 96 cents.

BLOOOOOP...BLOOOOOP....BLOOOP....

2006-06-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

Anyone who lives with a dog, especially anyone who nocturnally communes with a dog, knows that this distinct sound can shake you from slumber faster than fire.

So the other night, Trixie, Baron and I are laid about, chests rising and falling in catatonic cadence.

And then we hear it.

BLOOP

BLOOOOOOOP

BLLLOOOP

BLOOOOOOOOOP

BLOOP

BLOOP

Trixie and I are snatched from sleep and at once I scoop Baron like a football.

I jump down from the bed, swerve around a bedpost, and clutching the dog, flit across the room, boxer clad and groggy, as the dog nuzzles my nipples.

Holding his head in one hand and his ass and underside in the other, and with his dinger somehow parked between my fingers, I rush to the dimly lit bathroom and in one swift motion, I bowl him across the tile , hoping to avoid a single drop of doggie digestion on the carpet.

He glides across the floor with limbs a-splayed, all the while, looking over his shoulder at me as if to say WHAT THE FUCK??!!?!? I WAS SLEEPING YOU PRICK!"

His momentum gives way, he narrowly avoids a head-on with my vanity and he comes to a stop. His back paws jump out from under him and he makes a hard left. He bee-lines through the bathroom to the closet.

Trixie meanwhile, is thoroughly entertained by the fat man chasing the little dog screaming "NO! BARON! NOT THE CLOSET!"

The dog's eyes are growing larger by the minute and as I corner him and put him back on the tile, in profile view, I see his tail, what little tail he has, stop wagging and slump to cover where his nuts once dangled, years ago.

Trixie loses it and nearly falls off the bed crying with laughter.

So, for the next ten minutes, I'm sitting Indian-style on the bathroom floor, attempting to coax a frightened, and now BELCHING Miniature Schnauzer. Apparently, the BLOOPING was merely a test of the Emergency Throw Up System.

I grab the dog, place him back on the bed, gaze at the clock, which now reads 3:27 a.m. and am lulled back to dream land by the melodious chior of snores and belches from the little guy tucked away, fast asleep, between my legs.

Why Kids Are Fat and Socially Retarded

2006-05-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

A line of suburban housewives, in their Escalades, Touregs and Grand Caravans, line the street at the top of my neighborhood twice each day.

Why?

To wait for the school bus and pick up from the school bus? Why else?

I've noticed this disturbing trend for the past few years. We all know that parents of today think their kids can do no wrong, and aren't one quarter of the disciplinarians our parents were, but parents are coddling their kids to the point of obesity and social retardation.

Waiting in each car, not at the bus stop mind you, every morning are dozens of children waiting with Mommy for the bus. Repeat the procedure every afternoon. Instead of getting some exercise, Junior, Missy, Tommy, Ben, Sally, Ahmed and Julius just hop into waiting vans every afternoon. What happened to hanging out, being kids, waiting for the bus? What happened to building social skills? What happened to walking two or three blocks home from the bus stop with your friends?

MY GOD!

I suppose everybody gets a trophy too at the end of the baseball season. Even the, oops, there are no winners and losers any more.

As If You Care

2006-04-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while.

What can I say, when you're as rich and powerful as I, you stay busy.

So what's happened since my last post?

1. I've been meeting with clients. Oh did I not tell you? Oh yeah, I formed my own consulting group. I have just enough clients to stay busy.

2. I've registered for Summer and Fall semesters at Webster University. In just two short years, I'll have a B.A. in Public Relations. I asked, they didn't have a Pubic Relations degree...

3. My Nana died. I just got back yesterday from her funeral. She was one hell of a neat lady and lived to be 85. Miss you and love you Nana.

4. I got a date for the Prom. Trixie has agreed to be my date. Maybe I should explain. When I was in high school with Trixie, she asked me to her prom. I said yes, but just days before the event, I backed out. Apparently she only married me to make my life a living hell and apparently she's still upset I didn't take her to the prom. So, I've made arrangements to join the Class of 2007 at their Senior Prom. J & Becky, as always, will be going with us. We've got a two bedroom suite at the hotel where the prom's being held and we're going to have a HOTEL PARTY afterwards. When you're wealthy you can do things like that. You are all invited.

5. I made my entree into politics. I'm serving on a Committee at the City level. Committee today, Senator tomorrow. The 19th Amendment is in grave danger...

6. I saw a game at the new Busch stadium. My parents were nice enough to slide me a pair of tickets in their seats. It's always nice to beat the Cubs.

7. I ate barbeque.

8. I had sex.

9. I drank some beer.

10. Oh, and I saw the Titanic exhibit. Simply amazing. Difficult to put your head around though. The one thing that did send shivers up my spine (literally) was the last room in which they show artifacts related to the sinking of the ship (the boat launches, the life vests, etc.). In this room they had an enormous block of ice. You were asked to put your hands on it. It was then stated that this block of ice was the temperature of the water the evening the ship went down. I could not imagine swimming in that water.

Doesn't matter anyway, I would have put on a dress and hopped into a boat.

Ta Ta for now...

Ok, I promise...

2006-03-30T13:03:00.000-08:00

I promise I'll start carrying my camera in the car again.

Because DID I EVER miss a good one today.

I'm at City Hall in my little community.

I return to my car to find a pick-up truck parked next to it, and as I'm climbing in and closing the door, I notice that the owner has spent a tidy sum of money "customizing" the vehicle's appearance.

There are pinstripes, etc. running down the side of the car.

And then I see it.

Stenciled above the door handle on the passenger side is the word

Bitches

Of course, I have to get out of the car to check the driver's side, which says

Daddy

CLASS -EEE

Oh, and the picture above?

The first image that popped up on a google search of "bitches".

Of course, it says that these are "ninja bitches".

Try the google image search yourself.

Just be ready for lots of chicks squatting on guys faces and servicing glory holes...

Rehab Building and Famous-Barr

2006-03-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

This is a shot of the interior dome of a building under renovation.

The other is of the Famous-Barr building, which from the 1800's and up until this month, housed the Famous-Barr department store. It's soon to be a Macy's.

Old Courthouse

2006-03-27T11:21:00.000-08:00

I had a chance recently to take a private tour of my own city, St. Louis, with local radio personality and notable St. Louis historian, Charles Brennan.

This is a view of the columns of the Old Courthouse. This was the site of many historic events, including the famous Dred Scott case, where a slave sued for his freedom.

It was profoundly pointed out on the tour that while slaves were being sold on the steps of the Courthouse, they looked East, across the Mississippi River, less than a mile away, on whose opposite bank was the State of Illinois, a free state.

The other picture is of the dome of the Old Courthouse.

...and Farting.

2006-03-27T11:19:00.000-08:00

Too easy.

Dogs...

2006-03-27T11:18:00.000-08:00

Terrifying.

Absolutely terrifying.

Rascals...

2006-03-27T11:12:00.000-08:00

So I came across some photos I took while driving and I've been meaning to share for a while. One of three.

Reminds me that I need to start carrying my camera in the car again.

Rascals - Taken near downtown Las Vegas.

Enjoy.

So I came across some photos on the Internet...

2006-03-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

Isn't that how it always starts?

Anyway, apparently a local Country AND Western Band, that's right, they play both kinds... has decided to punish all of us who come across their site with visual depictions of their musical prowess, featuring pictures of fans young and old.

A sampling appears below.

I like this one because it demonstrates just how lucky some girls have it...

"Oh my gawd ya'll! He buys me as many Zima's and Smirnoff Ice's as I want!" "I just love the security money brings!" "Just look ya'll! We've got so much, he can leave a dollar on the table in a crowded bar!"

"Plus, my meth supply is so close these days!" "It means so much more to blow someone for a fix when you love him and you know he loves you too..."

"I can't wait to get him home rip his Op shirt and gangsta chain off..." "Oh, gawd ya'll, my girl's gushin..."

Cruel and Unusual Punishment?

2006-03-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

or just good clean fun for them youngsters???

Have You Seen My Baseball?

2006-03-10T10:34:00.000-08:00

Check out the guy on the left.

If...

2006-02-23T10:35:00.000-08:00

The following are all the songs on my iPod that begin with the word "if":

If Dirt Were Dollars - Don Henley
If I Could - Simon & Garfunkel
If I Ever Lose My Faith In You - Sting
If I Was Jesus - Toby Keith
If It Were Up To Me - Rooney (Becky's new favorite band!)
If Only Tonight We Could Sleep - The Cure
If She Would Have Been Faithful - Chicago
If That Ain't Country - David Alan Coe
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me - Jimmy Buffett
If This Is Just a Game - David Alan Coe
If Tomorrow Never Comes - Garth Brooks
If You Leave - Nada Surf
If You Leave Me Now - Chicago
If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free - Sting
If You Never Come to Me - Frank Sinatra
If You've Got The Money, I've Got The Time - Willie Nelson

Next week, songs that begin with "Smegma"

AWOL

2006-02-10T09:56:00.000-08:00

What in Sam Hell is going on?

Ok, so, The Grateful Inn, here in St. Louis has just opened a Vapor Bar.

I don't get it.

It's like all the morons you see in Vegas at the "Oxygen Bars"...MY GOD PEOPLE!

Remember a few years back when all the Hollywood types were paying top dollar for enemas???

Oh, and to top it all off, fucking Palm Island is SOLD OUT.

For fuck's sake people...I'm taking J's advice and checking into the Ritz-Carlton in Branson.

Enjoy....

AWOL - The Ultimate Party Toy!

Judith Hind of England’s Department of Health Alcohol Policy Team stated in a press release:

“We are not aware of any current evidence to suggest that use of the AWOL machine in accordance with the advice and instructions poses particular risks to the user over and above the risks that may be posed by consuming an equivalent amount of alcohol in an equivalent time period in a more traditional way.”

Thousands of years ago, when men and women took that first drink, their lungs, nasal passage and bronchial tubes had alcohol passing through them.

That’s why you’ve probably heard: “You smell like you've been drinking again” or “Please exhale in this breathalyzer.”

One of the ways our body gets rid of the alcohol we drink is through the lungs, in our breath.

AWOL simply turns that procedure around and lets the alcohol enter the body through the lungs thus eliminating the dreaded hangover.

What Others Are Saying:

"It feels so clean!"
"What a great light feeling."
"No heaviness."
"This is the greatest thing since the still."
"If you hate hangovers, you'll love this."

Drinks including vodka and whiskey can be inhaled into the mouth through a tube using a new device known as an Alcohol Without Liquid (AWOL) vaporiser. How To Use The AWOL Machine

A bar in Bordello became the first venue to offer its customers the device and the owner said it had proved a hit with drinkers.

AWOL is such a hit, they are now booking sessions and making reservations for alcohol-lovers to experience AWOL.

This method of consuming alcohol reduces the effects of a hangover and is low carbohydrate.

The AWOL Vaporizer has a built-in safety device because it takes about 20 minutes to inhale one vaporizer shot of alcohol (about 1/2 actual shot size).

It is designed to allow people to enjoy the effects of alcohol mixed with oxygen. It promotes a sense of well being and a mild euphoria. It is a fun new legal way to take alcohol.

The new method is known as AWOL, an acronym for “Alcohol With Out Liquid”, and is a hit in the global club scene due to the euphoric “high” created when alcohol is vaporized, mixed with oxygen and inhaled.

And So It Shall Be

2006-01-31T09:58:00.000-08:00

I think we FINALLY decided on a vacation spot.

So, break out the pink pants and strappy sandals.

I wonder what Trixie will bring to wear?

At this point, it looks like

Palm Island

is the choice.

A bitch of a flight, but MY GOD, it's a private island in the middle of the Grenadines...so, how else do you plan to get there?

The Grueling Itinerary:

Leave St. Louis 6:45 a.m.

Arrive Miami 10:24 a.m.

Leave Miami 6:08 p.m.

Arrive Barbados 10:24 p.m.

Overnight in Barbados

Hop puddle-jumper from Barbados 8:00 a.m.

Arrive Union Island 8:15 a.m.

Board Ferry Union Island 9:00 a.m.

Arrive Palm Island 9:08 a.m.

Crazy?

Yes.

But,

LOOK AT THE PICTURES!

Only 26 bungalows on the entire island.

Raise your flag when you need a drink.

I'm gonna need lots of flags...

On another note, today is Trixie's birthday.

Happy Birthday babe.

With all this talk of oceans and air, I'm truly lucky to have such a warm piece of dry land in my life.

Thanks to J & Becky, who treated us to dinner on Saturday night at Trattoria Marcella. You guys are the best!

If you're in St. Louis, do yourself a favor.

Drop what you're doing, get in the car or take a bus

and

get there.

Ask for David.

My GOD.

I'd suffocate my mother for another taste of that calamari...

A Very Special Episode

2006-01-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

We've heard it before, and we'll hear it again.

A throaty male voice and a splashy montage of teasers alert us to:

A Very Special Episode

So, tonight on The OC, we'll be treated to a "very special episode" where Seth...oh my God...appears to smoke a left handed cigarette!!!

The teasers show him opening his desk drawer, revealing three fat ones.

I know it's been about ten years since I puffed the Magic Dragon, but who smokes joints anymore???

Let's at least be realistic and have Sandy bust him with a four foot graphix bong or a hookah or something...but joints???

Even more realistic, let's have Sandy swipe the grass from Seth and go veg on the patio with Kirsten and a couple spliffs...

Enough about that.

What's your favorite "very special episode"?

The two that come to my mind are of course:

The "Child Molestation" episode of Different Strokes, where the late Gordon Jump plays "a relative" that while "playing" with Arnold and Joey, asks them "why don't we just take our shirts off for a while?"

The "Speed" episode of Saved by the Bell where Jesse goes into rehab for "caffeine pills". "I'm so excited...."

How about you? What are your favorite "very special episodes"?

It's Been With Me Longer Than I Thought

2006-01-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

So, last night, I come across Norton's Anthology of American Literature.

Scratched within the table of contents, in my sloppy script are various notes of various importance. Most of them are indiscernible to me now, but they must have made sense at the time. A listing of authors, including Faulkner, O'Connor, Cummings, Cheever, Baldwin, etc. are scratched above the date for the final exam. I guess we covered them on the test.

What was most interesting was going through the 2,000+ pages with Trixie, while standing in the closet, changing for bed.

I amassed a quantity of margin notes, consisting of scholarly quips like "bullshit" or "fallacy" or "perfect redneck", of which brought us much to laugh about, and peering through the shades of perspective, little to understand.

I think the best was a conversation I was having with the girl sitting next to me, that apparently instead of talking, we just wrote.

To paraphrase:

Me - So, I'm dating one of your Alpha Delta Pi sisters.

Her - Awesome!

Me - Yeah, she's pretty cool. I'm going to the Delta Zeta dance next week.

Her - I'm sorry.

Me- Oh, it'll be fun.

Her - I'm sorry.

Me - When is your house having a dance? I can go to that too.

So, apparently we learned two things last night:

1. At some point in my life, I was able to not only attract, but juggle multiple hot chicks...openly...and get away with it.
2. I've had the attention span of a gnat for longer than I thought.

If Anything Calls For Your Pity...

2006-01-19T08:33:00.000-08:00

...it's Skating With Celebrities.

My God.

If I ever find myself pandering for that one last bit of adoration, fucking shoot me.

I would rather have wolverines knash at my nipples than shrug off the small bit of intergity that warms my narrow shoulders.

Todd Bridges dressed as a cowboy, complete with "cowboy boot skates"? Then he pulls the "what'ch you talkin' about" with a judge. Again with the pandering and dissolving integrity...

Bruce Jenner looking much more like the Good Humor Man than Lt. Mayo.

Dave Coulier and Nancy Kerrigan as the Blues Brothers? C'mon Dave. Cut...It...Out. I thought you were a comedian! You should have wowed the crowd with a comedic rendition of the "Nancy - Asp - Knee Hurt - Why? Why? Why?" At least your artistic scores would have been better, although your skating was frighteningly good for someone who's been "blown in a theater". Was that theater in the East Village?

All in all, a depressing parade of shattered lives.

Of course I'll watch again!

Does anybody remember Gummy Worms?

BACK! With Some Wind In My Sails...

2006-01-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

For fuck's sake, man.

What's happening in my life lately?

Well, Christmas is over and was FAN-TAS-TIC!

Among the favorite Christmas experiences was getting a Ten Point Buck! I'm actually pretty damn proud of myself.

Got a paralyzing cold on the Friday before New Year's Eve.

Let me tell you this...ZI-CAM.

Shit works.

I don't know who made the deal with the devil here, but I must express my deep and sincere appreciation...

FRIDAY = Flat on my back

SATURDAY = Was out and about, hockey game with J & Becky (SUPER-MARVELOUS SEATS GUYS! THANKS AGAIN!) and then to a party at another friend's house.

Haven't had any time to post lately...fucking career.

What's on my plate now?

Trying to plan our annual vacation. Not sure where we want to go this year or what we want to do...We had better make up our minds, as February will be here before we know it...

Trixie and I can't decide if we want to do something low key like Eleuthera or Turks and Caicos or if we want to stretch the muscles a bit and sail from Tortola through the BVI.

Trixie has a colleague that sails the Caribbean quite often and after speaking with him recently, he's got us more than interested...However, we're not sure if we want to go this year, or maybe plan to invite a few friends along and go next year...J & Becky have indicated an interest and it would be a blast to sail with them.

So, in closing, a quick story:

I'm stumbling through my morning routine at home today and notice that Trixie has done some straightening, etc. throughout the house. I don't get it. The housekeeper comes on Wednesdays. She cleans before the house gets cleaned?

All for now kids.

What Would Santa Want Played At His Funeral?

2005-12-15T15:04:00.000-08:00

So, in a quick image search for "Santa", the above picture was the second one.

Fucking monkey nipples...she's not even bearded...not that I can tell at least.

I haven't had a gander at the clam.

Which reminds me.

I once had the best chicken wings ever at a place called The Bearded Clam.

OWNERS: Clueless or Genius?

So, back to the story at hand...

I was Santa the other night.

For a bunch of kids that live together and go to school together because their home situations aren't the best.

The organization I did this for is really great because it gives kids who would otherwise have no access to a top-notch education and stable home environment exactly that.

The kids were great.

It was Santa who caused all the trouble.

So I show up at the designated time and meet my "co-conspiritor".

She hands me the "suit" and I head to the bathroom and to await "the signal".

For those of you playing at home, any time I put things in quotes, just raise your hands above your head, c'mon...do it now!

Raise your hands above your head and bend the index and middle fingers on both hands two times.

See, I knew it would make the story more enjoyable for you.

Anyway, so I'm in the bathroom changing, awaiting "the signal", when I'm trimming out my get-up and notice there's no "hat" or "beard" in the costume package.

A quick note about me:

I could suspend shaving the rest of my life and have nothing to show for it.

A quick note about Santa:

Bearded.

I call out in anguish to my "co-conspiritor", who doesn't beleive me.

Oh, like I'd NOT want a beard and hat?

Who am I, Santa or some fat headed, big titted white guy???

Since the kids are all ages 12 - 17, we determine that hopefully we won't violate any personal beliefs of those assembled.

I decide to be "JackAss Santa".

What's "JackAss Santa" you may ask?

"JackAss Santa" is baudy, boisterous and LOUD.

When asked by a child where my beard was I responded that "there have been some cut-backs in Santa's budget."

I made it my responsibility to announce each child's name in a booming fashion, embarrasing them and all those suffering through my amaterish display.

I think the whole thing lasted an hour and a half.

Three Great Things About My Experience As "Santa":

1. It was fun doing something the kids enjoyed.
2. I didn't get peed on.
3. "Santa" got a nice bottle of Scotch out of the deal...

So, on to another thought.

I'm assembling a list of my favorite 100 songs.

Ever done it?

What's on your list?

What's your top ten?

Is it morbid to think of songs you'd like at your funeral?

Not that I've given it much thought, but I'm sure the kids trapped in close quarters with "Santa" were making plans for me...

Questions to Ponder Whilst Making Toast

2005-12-06T10:22:00.000-08:00

1. How far past the expiration date of meat is it still safe to eat?
2. Why is Journey still enduring a snubbing by the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame?
3. Why are fire trucks red? Wouldn't a big pink polka dot paint job be more alarming?
4. Why won't Cat Stevens come back?
5. Why do Karaoke books feature "Happy Birthday?" If you don't remember the words...
6. How come I love boobs, but I'm not crazy about mine?
7. Why is Hasselhoff big in Germany?
8. Why do you ask people how they're doing when you really don't give a fuck?
9. Is Andy Kauffman dead?
10. Would MLK be horrified by this society of entitlement?
11. Did we go to the moon?
12. How come when you have crabs boiling in a pot people want to come over for dinner, but when you have them in your boxers they flee from your sight?
13. How come when something is spelled TAST-T instead of Tasty it's more appealing and you find yourself compelled to buy it?
14. How did the little silver speckles in my counter tops form?
15. Why is egg nog only available during the holiday season?
16. If Porsche employs some of the best engineers in the world, why do they need to take the car off its chasis to change the oil?
17. Why is it fun to sit outside in a hot tob while it's snowing?
18. Why is it my dog was bred to go underground, yet he hates enclosed spaces?
19. How come Ralph Lauren Polo took off but Knights of the Round Table didn't?
20. Why do people selling big houses act all snobby when, when it comes down to it, they couldn't buy the house they're trying to sell you?

Oh fuck, I burnt my toast.

I Gotta Fly to St. Somewhere...

2005-12-06T08:16:00.000-08:00

The ground is crunching under my feet and my nose is cold.

We need to make vacation plans soon.

Pic O' the Day

2005-12-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

Taken on a recent trip to the post office to pick up some stamps...

Word of the Day

2005-12-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

The word of the day is quadumvirate.

Quadumvirate, n. a group or association of four men.

"The few times I've witnessed a film that features relations involving a woman and a quadumvirate, I think to myself 'Man those two guys just standing there really got the shaft'."

Pic O' the Day

2005-12-02T11:02:00.000-08:00

Nicer weather reflected in the windows of my home.

Hey Pumpkin Tits!

2005-12-01T10:11:00.000-08:00

So, in the haze of a Thanksgiving hangover, I plop down into the recesses of my overstuffed chair and plant myself in front of the television.

I am grasping a plate in my right hand, on which rests an enormous piece of pumpkin pie.

The plate nuzzles against my belly and I'm quickly forking through it.

I apply firm downward pressure with my fork, and in the blink of an eye the entire slice jumps off the plate, careens of my tits and lands in my lap.

With cat like, ok, bear like reflexes, I grip the pie between my index finger and thumb and place it back on my plate.

I then look down and notice I have pumpkin pie skid marks from my tits to my lap.

Fucking Thanksgiving.

First the

the pilgrim incident

now the Titted Pie Man fiasco.

Word of the Day

2005-11-29T16:20:00.000-08:00

The word of the day is geodesic.

Geodesic, n. the shortest line between two points on a mathematically derived surface.

"The only thing the words 'government' and 'geodesic' have in common is that they both start with the letter 'g'."

The Word of the Day

2005-11-28T17:42:00.000-08:00

The word of the day is incriminate.

Incriminate, v. to charge with or involve in a crime or fault

"When Pee Wee Herman was caught with his pants down and a handful of spooge in a Florida porn theater, he not only blew his load, he blew any chance not to incriminate himself."

The Word of the Day

2005-11-23T07:57:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I wish I were making this up.

Alas, the finger lands at whim's desire and the word of the day is preovulatory.

Preovulatory adj. occuring in or typical of the period immediately preceding ovulation.

"Buford took great glee in sharing with his co-workers at the eraser factory, his cousin's penchant for preovulatory relations."

The Word of the Day

2005-11-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

So, I've decided that in an attempt to broaden my own vernacular, as well as yours, I'm going to open the dictionary every day and plant my finger where it lays.

I will define the word and then use it inappropriately in a sentence.

Today's word is particularize, v. specify, itemize, mention particuarly, detail. SEE DESCRIPTION

"Since I didn't particularize that missionary position may be the best option, I was nearly crushed to death by a 400lb woman hell-bent on riding me reverse cowgirl."

Pic O' the Day

2005-11-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

Currently Playing - Shine On You Crazy Diamond

2005-11-18T08:11:00.000-08:00

Written about Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd's downward spiral to psyhcosis.

Remember when you were young
you shine like the sun
shine on you crazy diamond
now there's a look in your eyes
like black holes in the sky
shine on you crazy diamond
you were caught on the cross fire of childhood an stardom
blown on the steel breeze
come on you target for faraway laughter
come on you stranger
you legend
you martyr
and shine !

You reached for the secret to soon
you cried for the moon
shine on you crazy diamond
threatened by shadow and might
and exposed in the light
shine on you crazy diamond
well you wore out your welcome with random precision
rode on the steel breeze
come on you raver
you seer of vision
come on you painter
you piper
you prisoner
and shine !

Thoughts Floating and Colliding

2005-11-16T18:48:00.000-08:00

1. Why is a play on words called a PUN? Shouldn't it be a POW?

2. So I'm driving South on HWY 55 the other day and see that someone has artfully arranged hundreds of Styro-foam cups in the fence/safety railing of a pedestrian overpass. In what had to take hours, the scribe, who's name is not known, conveyed to Angie, his muse, the following message for all to see:

Sorry Angie...(Yes, he included the dots) I'm Gay!

3. If I get caught by a camera running a red light, and I have a tail light out, or don't have liscense plates, will the ticket I receive in the mail have extra fines for those offenses too?

4. Gareth Keenan: "It’s a fun place, but it’s full of loose women. My only problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it’s irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well. Alright, you’ve been under attack for days, there’s a soldier down, he’s wounded, gangrene’s setting in, ‘who’s used all the penicillin?’ ‘Oh, Mark Paxton sir, he’s got knobrot off some tart.’"

All for now.

I Love You

2005-11-10T10:08:00.000-08:00

We're # 1! We're # 1!

2005-11-09T10:01:00.000-08:00

Not only does St. Louis rank among America's most dangerous cities, apparently we're quite highly appraised in our ability to contract and spread communicable diseases!

Why am I itching?

Please don't mind my internal editorial comments.

St. Louis Has Worst Gonorrhea Rate in Nation

By Deborah L. Shelton
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
11/08/2005

St. Louis leads the nation in rates of gonorrhea, according to statistics released Tuesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The city ranked second in chlamydia (YAY! We're scratching our way into a leadership position for ANOTHER disease!) and fifth in rates of syphilis nationwide.

St. Louis has long ranked high in cases of sexually transmitted diseases.

The CDC report provided 2004 data on three STDs - gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia. Young people, minorities and men who have sex with men were at greatest risk.

Syphilis and chlamydia rates rose nationwide, while gonorrhea rates dropped to a historic low.

Health officials estimate that 19 million new sexually transmitted infections occur each year, almost half among people from 15 to 24. Most of the infections go undiagnosed.

Doctors are required to report cases of gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia. Even so, STDs are vastly underreported. There's no mandatory reporting requirement for some highly prevalent sexually transmitted viral infections such as human papillomavirus and genital herpes.

Chlamydia was the most common STD nationwide, with a total of about 930,000 cases reported last year, according to the CDC report. Federal health officials said the actual number of cases is far higher, about 2.8 million new cases each year.

Chlamydia rates rose in 2004, largely because of expanded and improved screening for the disease, the CDC said.

Gonorrhea hit an all-time low nationally, with about 330,000 cases reported. The national rate of 113.5 cases per 100,000 people was the lowest since the government started tracking cases in 1941.

But syphilis has been steadily increasing since it hit a historic low in 2000. The rate of reported early-stage syphilis was 2.7 cases per 100,000 in 2004, up 29 percent since 2000.

Locally, 2,440 cases of gonorrhea were reported in St. Louis, a rate of 734 cases per 100,000 people (Blazing a trail from our genitals to THE TOP of the disease world!) - and 4,130 cases of chlamydia were reported, a rate of 1,243 cases for every 100,000 people.

Fewer than 50 cases of primary and secondary syphilis were reported last year in St. Louis. Primary and secondary syphilis are the most infectious stages of the disease.

Dr. William Kincaid, director of the St. Louis health department, said officials are focusing on improving public health surveillance, strengthening community involvement and making sure clinical services are accessible to those who need them.

"We're aware of this problem and have already acted to deal with it in a strategic way," he said.

STD clinical services were recently moved to St. Louis ConnectCare, where services are free for those without health insurance, Kincaid said.

"We want to get the word out that these diseases are treatable, and we want to get people into treatment as fast as we can," Kincaid said. "We know if people are having unprotected sex and are spreading chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea, they are also spreading HIV."

All three diseases increase the possibility of HIV transmission.

Dr. Ronald Valdiserri, acting director of the CDC's National Center for HIV, STD and TB Prevention, said STDs "pose a significant and ongoing threat to millions of Americans, especially young women, men who have sex with men and people of color."

Untreated sexual infections also can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease, infertility, neurological damage and death.

The rise in the national primary and secondary syphilis rate was largely due to increases among men, particularly men who have sex with men, Valdiserri said. Overall, the syphilis rate among men increased 11.9 percent from 2003 to 2004 and 81 percent since 2000.

Although surveillance data were not available by risk behavior, a separate CDC analysis suggested that about 64 percent of all adult syphilis cases in 2004 were among men who have sex with men, up from an estimated 5 percent in 1999.

Valdiserri attributed the increase to a rise in risky sexual behavior.

Chlamydia disproportionately affects young women, and the long-term health consequences of untreated disease are more severe for females. The chlamydia rate for females was 3.3 times higher than for males. Young women between 15 and 19 had the highest rates.

Chlamydia is a bacterial infection that can be easily treated with antibiotics. But it typically doesn't show any symptoms. Up to 40 percent of women with untreated chlamydia develop pelvic inflammatory disease, and 20 percent of those could become infertile. Women with chlamydia are five times more likely to become infected with HIV if exposed to it.

African-Americans also are disproportionately affected by STDs. Although the rate of gonorrhea among blacks fell 3 percent from 2003 to 2004, rates for African-Americans were 19 percent higher than for whites. Syphilis rates among African-Americans rose for the first time in a decade, up 19.9 percent.

The CDC report said poverty, limited access to quality health care and a higher prevalence of disease probably contributed to the racial disparity.

Pic O' the Day

2005-11-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

University of Hell

I Am an Unapologetic Snob

2005-11-04T08:16:00.000-08:00

Deal with it.

I sincerely enjoy the ability to intimidate smaller vehicles and glare down at those who cut me off, or otherwise just piss me off, from the height of my big SUV.

Likewise, I relish in sneering at motor vehicle morons when I'm feeling fancy and driving Trixie's car...wind blowing through my rapidly appearing grey hairs...Coldplay blaring from the BOSE system.

HOWEVER, I find it nearly impossible to do either today.

I took Trixie's car in for service, and the dealer was out of fleet cars and paid for a rental until it's finished this afternoon.

Sneering and intimidation just aren't possible in a TEAL SEBRING.

What do you mean I have to turn the knob on the radio to adjust the volume???

Irony

2005-11-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

So, I'm listening to a new CD, The Living Things, the other day. Apparently, they're from St. Louis. I've never heard of them, but that's not my point.

Anyway, good stuff. You should go buy the CD.

The second song is a tirade about the government, their oppressive and invasive nature, the evil corporate empires, etc.

A passage:

I GOT A LETTER FROM THE TAXMAN, I OWE / I GOT A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT, I OWE / ..... /..../ AND THEY DON'T KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG, BUT THEY'LL BRING YOU ALONG / LET'S GO / C'MON, C'MON, C'MON / I SAID THE FBI, THE CIA, THE FDA, THE NSA, OUR HMO'S, OUR PPO'S, THE CEO'S AND THE USA / WE ALL GOT TO LAY LOW, THEY GOT YOU UNDER CONTROL...

So, as I'm listening to the CD, and rather rocking and enjoying it, I finish reading the liner notes and flip the case over to read the back side

where I see

The FBI Anti-Piracy Warning

So, is the message that it's OK to denounce the government, as long as it protects your artistic creation and paint corporations as faceless, evil money grabbing swines, just as long as your checks are being sent on time?

Trick or Treat Anyone?

2005-11-01T08:16:00.000-08:00

Not a good night for the little tykes.

The sky poured out a steady downfall and the few kids that came by were draped in plastic...or the arms of their mothers.

Lot's of "mini-van or treating".

I think in all, Trixie and I had ten kids.

We bought ten bags of candy...Hey Trixie!...I've got a trick for you...got a treat for me???

So Lazy I'm Stupid

2005-10-31T08:13:00.000-08:00

I miss him.

He was bright, confident and full of life.

Now he's lazy, retreading the same old stories, losing aspiration, shedding dreams because their weight becomes a heavier burden each passing year.

Inspiration quickly transforms from tool to dagger.

I need him again.

Perception wanes, intelligence fades and time passes quickly without improvement.

Appreciation and interpretation yield to what's real.

She loved him.

He did and does deeply love her.

He wants to be needed.

This is a painting of two people dancing in the rain.

Lost Vegas

2005-10-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

At least that's what I did.

Although, I did see a lost and found in the casino of my hotel and thought about letting them know I'd lost an assload of money...

Not much to report.

Wasn't all that exciting, although we had a good time with Jefferson and Bridget. We stayed at the Luxor and they at the MGM. Both were very nice.

Let's see...the highlights:

The Horse Game at the MGM:

Jefferson and Bridget introduced us to this gem. It's really quite simple. You sit at this glass topped table that has mechanical horses inside of it, bet 25 cents at a time and sit there for hours as the waitress brings you free drinks. Once in a while you win, but all the while, drinking occurs.

The Fremont Street Experience:

Trixie had never been Downtown before, and since it's something everyone should smell, err, see at least once, we subjected her to the dregs of society gambling money they don't have. She summed up her visit with two words - Tangible Desperation.

The Tournament of Kings:

HUZZAH! Jefferson and Bridget accompanied Trixie and I to the Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur. For the uninitiated, think Medieval Times from the move Cable Guy. She and I had both been before, but Jefferson and Bridget fully immersed themselves in the chivalry and pagentry that is the greatest show in Las Vegas. Thanks again for a good time My Lady and My Lord. (Pic of Trixie and I above)

Satchel:

Satchel is one of Van's best friends.

Let's go through this chronologically.

On the flight to Vegas, Satchel is selected to have his baggage opened and checked by the TSA. He arrives in Vegas to find a note explaining the search in his bag, and his clothes dusted in menthol fresh talcum powder.

On Saturday night in Vegas, he imbibes in the proximity of alcohol that staying at The Golden Nuggett allows you. He had a number of liquor filled "footballs" and was blind drunk, yet still managed to win over $300 playing blackjack at Binion's Horseshoe.

Later that evening, when the party was breaking up, he became quite panicked and told everyone "Wait! Don't leave...you're my ride!"

They were staying across the street.

After falling in the casino and being warned numerous times not to lean on the glass near the roulette wheel, Satchel stumbled out to the street and made his way back to the Nuggett.

Satchel made a love connection with a sinewy stripper earlier in the evening, and she paid him a visit in his room later that night.

He woke up the next morning with an empty wallet.

I suppose that's the price you pay when you engage the services of a professional and allow yourself to fall asleep while she's there.

It's a shame too. He's a good guy. He just makes bad choices...all the time.

The Coupe de Gras:

Piling into the parking lot shuttle just after landing in St. Louis, the driver turns to the seven of us along for the ride and asks us, with all sincerity "Anyone know the score of the baseball game?"

Viva Atomic Liquors

2005-10-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

"I'm leaving...on a jet plane...I don't know when I'll be back again..."

Actually, I'll be back on Wednesday.

Heading out to Van & Meredith's wedding in Las Vegas.

I hope to accomplish the following:

1. Indulge the bride on her last "free night".
2. Eat like Elvis.
3. Cheer on my Knight in the Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur.
4. Find Elizabeth Shue and play the role of Nick Cage.

See ya'll next week!

My Evening

2005-10-20T07:58:00.000-07:00

So, I'm headed home yesterday evening.

I need to stop at the Post Office for some stamps.

I hate the Post Office.

It is the most hideous display of inefficiancy and government slovency the world has ever had thrust upon its stage.

So, I'm waiting in line of about ten people. It's maybe 4:45 in the afternoon.

You know, the time of day when working stiffs like you and I just want to get home to have a beer, shake hands with the unemployed or play Jenga with the cat...you know what I'm talking about...fucking relax.

Being the overworked and driven to cram Americans we are, we tend to also "stop off" to attend to household tasks on the way home.

Hence my trip to the Postal Palace.

Of the two available postal employees, one is helping someone send an odd-shaped package to Houston, and the other, well the other should have told her customer to fuck off and come back tomorrow.

Occupying the time of one of two available employees is a hulking mound of rotted flesh inquiring about collector's stamps.

He wants to know

What are the ones on the wall?

Oh, What's the one with the dogs?

Oh, spay and neuter your pets, huh?

Hey Mr. Flabtabulous! The rest of us are trying to get home for the evening and have REAL BUSINESS to conduct here! Move it along or I'm going to neuter you!

Instead of appealing to her good senses and alluding to the growing line, the postal princess continues to help Flabby Collector by looking through books to see what stamps are coming out next year.

My number is finally called.

Great, I can proceed to the smiling geriatric attendant.

All I need is a roll of stamps.

This should take five seconds.

I tell her what I need and hand her my credit card.

"I'm sorry, I can't take your card. It isn't signed."

I start to protest, explaining that you're right, it isn't signed, that's because I want people to check my I.D..

I then remember that I'm talking to a tray-slapper and just flip the card over and sign it.

She takes the card and swipes it.

Does that make ANY fucking sense?

Oh, and later, Trixie and I went to eat Chinese buffet and were sitting in a booth behind a couple I'll call Brontosaurus and Triceretops.

He, festooned in jersey material shorts, revealing his shriveled sack, she adorned in pajama pants and a ripped t-shirt. Fat ankles all around.

The grunts, groans and waves of approval emitted loudly from the table throughout the meal's duration.

It was smooth sailing until, after her third tapioca pudding (I know, weird, huh? Chinese pudding?) and a dash to the General Tso's chicken that the couple hit a bump in the road.

She asked the waiter for a TO GO BOX.

When told she couldn't have one, she was indignant.

After all, she'd paid for the food she'd consumed over the past two hours (they were there when we arrived and when we left).

If I ever reach a state in my life where I'm

A) 75 years old and working at the Post Office
B) So fat I need a cane and ask for a TO GO BOX from a buffet

just drag me naked through the cobblestone streets of St. Louis.

Aloha - It's Your Birthday

2005-10-17T07:23:00.000-07:00

So, I woke up this morning, on my 31st birthday, and found another fucking grey hair.

It's all good though, I bought myself the birthday present to end all birthday presents.

This morning, I downloaded the entire Elvis Aloha From Hawaii Via Satellite live concert.

It's allright mama.

It's Back! The Picture of the Every Once in a While, Formerly the Picture of the Day!

2005-10-13T08:01:00.000-07:00

So, what, were they fucking people before?

Breakin' For Soccer

2005-10-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

It was 1985.

I was in the Fifth grade.

My life revolved around a tragic mixture of Michael Jackson, St. Louis Steamers Soccer and Breakdancing.

So, when an opportunity arrived to combine Breakdancing, a Michael Jackson impersonator and St. Louis Steamers Soccer presented itself in the venue of the Bernard School Winter Dance, naturally I moonwalked to the ticket counter, pronto.

The contest was a breakdancing contest and the prize was two tickets to the Steamers game.

Now, I had been gracing the flattened boxes of former fridges and washer & dryers for some time on the playground at recess. We had a "crew" that competed against another "crew" for the title of Best Breakers. Festooned in our finest sleeveless 80's shirts and parachute pants, we'd "break" for prestige, we'd "break" for pride. So revered were my abilities that a number of students found it necessary to autograph my 1985 yearbook with comments like "the best dancer" and from a City Transfer Student "good for a white dude". You get the picture. You go up against me, and you better bring your A-Level dance sucka.

Since the contest involved a competition of an individual nature, the "crews" decided to suspend all playground "dance-offs", so we could all work on our routines.

The night of the dance was one of great anticipation.

I fretted over spiking my hair just right, and must have tied my Rising Sun Bandana ten times around my knee before getting it right. Slipping into my red Merry Go Round Parachute Pants and stepping into my Red and Black Air Jordans, I was one to reckon with. Lastly, I draped my gold chain around my neck and then I told my mom I was ready for a ride to the dance.

The scene was intense. Crews were trolling about, trying to gague the competition for the night.

The Michael Jackson impersonator finished his number and the contest was ON.

This was single elimination...WINNER TAKE ALL.

TWO TICKETS TO THE STEAMERS.

The beats were pulsating as sweat dripped down my breakin' body.

The catepillar.

The wave.

The knee-spin.

I was making history.

Soon the contest was whittled down to three dancers, with yours truly among those still hittin' it.

The two suckas dancing against me were posers.

I'd beaten them before and besides, I had a "secret move" I was planning to unveil to cinch the prize.

Victory was in my sights.

Then it happened.

Greedily, I attempted a wave to knee-spin to back-spin combination.

Somewhere between the wave and the knee-spin I lost my balance and CRASHED to the floor, landing on my arm.

I tried to dance, but couldn't.

Then the overwhelming "I'm going to hurl" sensation came over me.

Sweat.

Watery mouth.

OH SHIT!

I ran to the bathroom.

LOCKED.

The principal spots me and quickly offers the use of his private bathroom.

He calls my mom as I hurl in his toilet.

A trip to the emergency room nets a sling and a month-long stint on the break dancing disabled list.

As if a broken arm wasn't bad enough, it was later ruled that I forfieted the contest, thereby losing my lunch, my pride and my fucking Steamers tickets.

He's Got His Own Horse

2005-10-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

CONTENT WARNING! NOT FOR THOSE EASILY OFFENDED

So, I have a good friend that was once a social worker in Tennessee.

She told me of a particular case she was assigned that while it was serious and required close attention, was funny in a sick way.

She got a call from the neighbor of a thirteen year old boy one afternoon. The boy was a client.

The neighbor demanded that she come out because he was sneaking into his barn and having sex with his horse.

The authorities were called, and as luck would have it, the social worker and the police caught the boy in the act.

They took the young man next door to his house and told the father about what they caught him doing with the neighbor's horse.

The father's reply?

I don't know why he'd do that. He's got his own horse.

Hey Pilgrim Boy!

2005-10-06T10:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there was one time, back when I was probably in First or Second grade when I, along with the rest of the class, was asked to dress like a Pilgrim at school.

So, me, never being one for details, quickly tuned out and went about planning my Pilgrim get-up.

I went home that evening and told my mom I needed to be a Pilgrim the next day and that she needed to make me a costume...you know, like right now.

So, we quickly assembled a hodge-podge of items laying about the house.

My black shirt, pants and cape (never mind it was lined with red taffeta) from the Dracula Halloween costume were employed as the outfit's base.

A white over-the-shoulders thingy was fashioned from something or another and draped over my shoulders.

Being the early 80's, in the haze of Urban Cowboy madness, we added my cowboy boots to the mix.

Now for a hat...hmm...construction paper and a Quaker Oats box will do the trick...

A hatchet and shoe buckles were made from construction paper.

We were done!

I had it!

I barely slept that night, excited about having the coolest Pilgrim costume ever to wear to school the next day.

Bright and early next morning, I donned the masterpiece of creation.

I walked to my bus stop, and nobody else was dressed up!

Lame man, really lame. You guys have NO SPIRIT!

I rode the bus, and again...I was the only one Pilgrimed Up!

Cruising down the hall and to my class...FUCKING BULL TITS! AM I THE ONLY PILGRIM HERE???

I then begin to endure a verbal assault so piercing I still to this day cannot talk about it without a drink in my hand. (I keep whiskey in my desk drawer...I'm coping as I'm writing)

HEY PILGRIM BOY!

You get it..HARSH for Second graders...

I make the way to my class, dodging the volleys being launched in my direction.

It's then that it happens.

My teacher, the pig faced bitch, asks me why I'm dressed as a Pilgrim.

Because you told us to.

Yes, I did tell you all to.

Tomorrow.

Today's Tuesday.

The blood flushed from my face like never before.

Chills.

Sweat.

I think my intestines gurgled...

Quickly, I ran to my cubbie hole to find my gym clothes.

Gone.

At home, in the laundry.

In the time before political correctness and over sensitivity, what was I forced to do all day?

You got it...sit in my buckles, hat and cape.

Fucking Pilgrims.

Coachlight Friends

2005-10-06T05:14:00.000-07:00

Trixie loves frogs.

At last count, there were over 110 frog statues, figurines, notepads, lamps, etc. scattered throughout the house.

So, when we moved in to the new house and she saw a couple of frogs on the driveway, she was thrilled.

Every night, one particular frog sits on top of one of the coachlights fronting the garage, and catches bugs.

He's cool because he turns darker to blend with the brick and the light.

So, last night, I walked outside to let Baron do his business and saw TWO frogs sitting on the light.

Naturally I had to tell Trixie, and being the husband I am, took a series of pictures of them...

Clarity is a Gift

2005-10-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

So I had a day yesterday that included me uncharacteristically unravelling and screaming at my boss that if things didn't change, he'd be without me.

Then I spent the rest of the day thinking about how much I hate my job and how I should act on the opportunities that are currently being floated and that my problems begin and end with my job.

What a bunch of bullshit.

I reacted emotionally to something that was said, and I blew up.

It's so unlike my professional demeanor. (My private life, however, is full of spontenaity and lacks discipline) I am emotionally detached, diplomatic and calculating.

And it pissed me off that I lost it.

It was only after I got home, sulked for an hour and talked with Trixie that I came to the realization that the problem was ME.

I ran from my last job to this one because I was being forced out politically and when I discovered I didn't like this job, I went running to look for another.

It's time to stop running.

Even if I do take the job that's wafting under my nostrils, I can't run to it. Not for more money. Not for more responsibility. It's got to be for the right reasons. And at this point, I don't know what those reasons are.

"You Ain't Gonna Jacuzzi Nobody!"

2005-10-04T11:42:00.000-07:00

"I knew ya'll was fags..."

I audibly laughed last evening as I had a WE, Oxygen or Lifetime (take your pick, face it, I was a fancy lady) moment sitting in the jacuzzi in my bathroom.

The dog just sat in the doorway with a quizzical and suspicious look on his face.

Now, has anyone seen my poofy sponge?

Mean Old Man In Training

2005-10-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

HEY YOU KIDS! GET OFF MY DRIVEWAY!

Oh, let it begin.

After three months of neighborly bliss in my no longer quiet cul-de-sac, the neighbors from hell may have moved in...

Trixie and I have enjoyed the peace that is having only one neighbor and now it's over.

When we moved in, one neighbor, our next door neighbor, Dolph, existed.

Dolph has four kids, but they're great kids. They play in their yard or in their driveway and are the kind of kids I hope to raise...polite, intelligent and mindful of adults.

About a month ago, Tolstoy and Keats moved in with their four kids. Decent kids. I do remember the day after they moved in, their little girl, who's maybe 10 stopped in front of my house, which at that time had no sod, and asked me if I had moved in yet...

This weekend Mark Twain and Jane Austen moved in directly across the street, with their four kids...who are un-fucking-controllable.

They ride their bikes in front of cars.

They ride their bikes on the neighbors lawns.

They ride their bikes on my lawn.

They play in other people's driveways.

I came out and saw them playing on MY driveway.

The parents? Oh, they're watching all of it.

That's right, I'm the Mean Old Man in training.

I realize families like the Cul-de-sac.

And, I don't hate kids.

I hate parents who assume that everyone loves their kids, so therefore their kids can run amock.

A kid is only as good as their parent has raised them.

And the next time I'm awakened on a hazy and hung over Saturday morning by one of their God damn kids next to my house or in my driveway, so help me God I will set up a barbeque, radio and beer tubs and invite two dozen of my friends over at 2:00 a.m. to imbibe in their front yard.

Having Some Trouble

2005-09-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

My links to all my friends got fucked up, so, if you don't see yours on here, consider yourself lucky.

Soon I'll have them fixed and you'll once again be associated with me...

I Mean, Honestly, WHO WEARS THIS SHIT???

2005-09-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

Have you any idea of the duration of laughter that would erupt in my household if I came home one afternoon and announced to Trixe that I "got us something", and THIS was it?

I'd love to see my fat ass squeezed into something like that...besides that, I KNOW the boys would spill out the side of WHATEVER THE HELL he's wearing.

So tell me, who wears this shit?

Does it come with a free gold chain and a conversion van with a Chester window?

Seen At Lunch Today

2005-09-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

Standing in line at a deli downtown, I'm passing the time by scanning the shelves.

Third shelf down, sits a bottle of BBQ sauce named:

Bone Suckin' Sauce

Hmmm...

Pic O' the Day

2005-09-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

Me hanging out at home this summer. I think I'm tired.

Love In a Big Way

2005-09-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

Have I ever told you about a guy I know who had sex with a girl so big that the bed posts crashed through the floor of his bedroom?

Yum.

The Terror That Is Trixie

2005-09-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

So, we've got two weddings and the holiday season coming up.

And, as such, it was time to find Trixie a new cocktail dress.

Trixie doesn't hate shopping. Shopping is Trixie's nemesis.

To make a long story short, after only three stores, we found a smashing dress that Trixie glows in.

Now to me.

This should have been easy.

All I needed was a new tuxedo shirt.

Store # 1 had some on manequins, but I didn't see any in the little cubbie hole thingies, so we left.

Store # 2 had nothing of any merit.

Store # 3 had one. I was immediately greeted by the aging saleswoman and promptly informed her to select a tuxedo shirt in my size.

After some looking on the shelves, she notified me that she would have to locate the shirt "in the back".

I love "in the back".

There's a sense of mysticism about "the back".

They always have more in "the back".

Trixie doesn't beleive in the magic of "the back", but I digress.

She promptly produces the shirt in my size, and at $30.00 more than I thought it was worth.

Trixie looks at me and says: "You wear your tux what, twice a year?"

She needn't say more.

Now, as a part of Trixie's abhorance of the shopping experience, naturally, she detests sales people. Especially women.

So to pass some time, Trixie begins to leaf through the stacks of shirts sitting folded on a table.

She gigglingly begins to make selections and the saleswoman, eager to assist, begins to offer matching ties and slacks, and belts and underwear and offers to take me in "the back" to determine on which side I dress...

Trixie's amassing a pile of shirts and the sales woman is desperately trying to keep pace, throwing ties on top of shirts, looking to Trixie for approval, all the while, I'm delving into a collection of sport shirts, with one eye on Trixie and another on her new friend.

I then make an announcement:

"You know, I think I'm going to forgo the tuxedo shirt. I've got some time before the wedding and I'd like to continue looking around."

You'd have thought I told her "I've plunged an ice pick into the left temple of your Norwich Terrier".

She frightenengly tried to salvage a commission, even if reduced.

Many shirts, of many patterns and colors, were desperately suggested, of which the best was a pink, white and blue gingham plaid one.

When presented this option, I politely told her the color didn't suit my skin tones, but Trixie, Trixie was brutal, telling her "Are you kidding me? He'll look like a piece of penny candy!"

Needless to say, I'm not wearing gingham today.

Illustrated - The Inherent Flaw of the Welfare State

2005-09-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

I was fully prepared to post my thoughts on the disaterous effect (yes, words chosen carefully) of the welfare state, and to illustrate the fact that if you haven't found the means to empower yourself, and you're depending on someone or something to bail you out of any conflict in your life, you need to change your way of thinking. Not just because of what's happened, but because of all that CAN happen if you take charge of your life.

The beautiful thing about America is that opportunity abounds, and as members of a free society, we all have the ability to transform opportunity to personal security. Sadly, there are some who simply see the opportunity and others who sieze it.

We all make choices.

We all live with the consequences of our choices.

Dwight Billingsly in today's Post-Dispatch:

I think there are two lessons we need to take away from the Katrina fiasco:
First, the people we saw rioting in New Orleans are America's flotsam, and they exist in every society. Other than the physically disabled, young children and seniors 80 years old and up, the people we saw holed up in the Superdome and elsewhere are the perfect demonstration of what happens to people who choose (yes, choose) to lead third-world lives in a captialitst society.

They were accustomed to living off a government check every month, accustomed to subsidized housing, accustomed to food paid for by food stamps. They've elected politicians like Mayor Ray Nagin and Gov. Kathleen Blanco to make them comfortable in that third-world existence, and now they have neither the resources nor the political leadership to survive in a time of crisis. Such has been the case throughout history for people who don't take charge of their lives.

Currently Playing - The Heart of the Matter

2005-09-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

God damn.

All I can say.

The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
She said you’d found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love’s open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn’t keep me warm
I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I’d figured out
I have to learn again
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore
There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin’ that anger; it’ll eat you up inside, baby
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
I’ve been tryin’ to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
Forgiveness
Forgiveness - baby
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, you don’t love me anymore

Why the 80's Ruled

2005-09-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

Just a quick top of the mind list of why the 80's ruled.

Please add to it.

1. White Miami Vice Suits
2. Breakin'
3. The Smurfs
4. Duran Duran
5. Parachute Pants
6. Breakin' 2 - Electric Boogaloo
7. Hands Across America
8. Transformers
9. O.P.
10. Michael Jackson's Nose
11. New Coke
12. ColecoVision
13. You Can't Do That On Television
14. Silver Spoons
15. Bartyles & James
16. Clearly Canadian Seltzer Water
17. Slimer
18. Neon Shoe Laces
19. The Original Black and Red Air Jordans
20. Rising Sun Headbands

Bastard in Mustard

2005-09-12T00:10:00.000-07:00

So, yeah, the Annual Float Trip is over.

Thank fucking God.

I'm tired.

So tired.

Is it really worth it?

The weight has been sliding over to the "probably not" side of the scale for the past year or two, and the events of the past weekend may have just given it the nudge it needs to crash down permanently upon the "definitely not" side.

The Recap:

Friday Night -

Good.

Arrived listening to "Steppin' Out" by Joe Jackson at approximately 4:30 in the afternoon.

Not bad time...a little over an hour and ten.

Checked in at the lodge and paid for two nights camping and a three mile float.

Girl at front counter was as quoted by Van, a "Hoosier Hottie", or as I put it, a "Dixie Darlin'".

Thin, spindly legs, tight shirt, smallish perky breasts.

Badly dressed.

Probably blows donkeys for meth.

Set up Camp.

Van, who had been there by himself for hours, helped.

Donned in a wife beater, shorts and a camoflaugue hat, Van hopped in the truck in search of firewood.

I join him and Daisy, his golden lab.

After a quick scanning of the camp ground, which netted all of seven small pieces of wood, it was decided that an external search would be necessary.

We drove across the rickety, built in 1914 suspension bridge, crossed the river and were on our way.

Two men in search of wood.

We happened upon an old lodge/club that at then end of its long driveway had stacked oodles and oodles of seasoned wood.

Of course we stole it. Need you ask?

Trixie and Bridget arrived at 7:30 or so and found Van, Sean and I circled around the fire, consuming beverages.

Nothing of note happened the rest of the night.

Rochester and his wife Kay arrived with Fairfield and his wife Doreen a little later in the evening.

They joined us as we drank.

Saturday -

Began with a shot of Jose' at 10:30 a.m.

We started our float at 12:00 noon and immediately sought out a sandbar.

Nasty curved navigated.

Sandbar located.

Drinking commenced.

Budweiser.

On to the next sandbar.

Budweiser.

Budweiser.

Rough water navigation.

Near tipping.

Next sandbar.

Budweiser.

Budweiser.

Budweiser.

Famous "River Lovin' Sandbar"

Budweiser.

Budweiser.

Lunchable.

No group sex.

Further navigation.

Next sandbar.

Five of us guys sitting on a submerged log, Budweisers in hand.

Picture of our asses.

Budweiser.

Crabby wife.

Let's try to finish the damn float.

500 yards from the finish.

Sandbar.

No Budweiser.

Crabby, now hungry wife.

Tell Van, who has my keys locked in his car (via keyless entry), we intend to head back.

Bridget, who is floating with Van, also sites her desire to call it a day.

Mr. Good Times Van decides we're all assholes for wanting to leave.

Gives us code to get in car.

Two different codes.

We know something's up.

All three leaving confirm code.

He affirms.

Get back to car.

Code no work.

Try different code.

No.

Try random codes we think Van might like.

No.

Begin to curse Van.

Decide it would be a good idea to enact revenge.

"Bitch" is written upon his windshield, in Ketchup.

More friends arrive at campsite.

Van still not back from the river.

Still locked out of car which contains keys to cars that contain soap, towels, food and Tylenol.

"Bastard" is scribed upon the back window in Mustard.

Van sees adjectives and becomes visibly infuriated.

Immediately blames me.

He pouts the rest of the night.

Fireworks are sent dangerously and horizontally toward spectators by disheveled and drunken Sean.

Van exercises sound judgement when he confiscates the pyrotechnics and responds no to Sean's pleading to "get out the .22 and do some shootin'".

Van then retreats to his pouting chair.

Two married couples engage in marital affairs in the shower, and although one couple interrupts the other, marital relations do not extend beyond the realm of married couples.

Fire started.

Lots of burning.

Bratwurst cooked on the open flames.

Time for micro-brews.

Tired, but trudge forward, drinking on.

Bridget decides she's bored and leaves around 8:30 p.m.

More campfire.

More micro-brews.

Early evening snack of chocolate chip cookies.

Micro-brews.

Debate leaving.

Trixie advises against it.

More micro-brews.

Tired.

Tent.

Sleep.

Startled awake by loud cackling and laughter from next campsite over.

Avow revenge.

Sunday -

Wake at 7:00 a.m.

Rochester and Kay, along with Fairfield and Doreen are preparing to leave.

Kay, still steaming from the 4:00 a.m. whooping, starts Rochester's diesel truck and parks it in front of their tent, which is right next to the Whooper's tent.

Loudly preparing to leave, Kay deflates a mattress with an audibly evident electronic pump.

Trixie wakes up and we begin our packing in earnest.

Munching on a donut, I hear someone from Whooper's camp say something about "kicking someone's ass" for making all the noise so early in the morning.

Sensing the irony in his remarks and knowing that those making the noise are, Rochester, and the newly awakened Fairfield, at 6 foot 3 and 6 foot 7 respectively, I invite him to commence his transgressions and point in their direction.

He declines.

We finish our packing and make the hour and ten minute ride home.

I sleep most of the day.

I'm still tired, and Van is still a bastard.

A Stream of Slaps and Sighs

2005-09-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend is the annual Float Trip.

It's been annual for about five or six years, and although kids and careers have taken a wrecking ball to the attendance figures, the core still remains, and I'm looking forward to a great weekend of overconsumption, time on the river, and if we're lucky, a little debauchery...or at least some boobies.

Now LAST YEAR, we actually had a little...(no wait, let me clarify, when I say we , I don't mean me or Trixie, or the core group, I mean the group in general, including the fringe element that shows up) wife swappin' and river lovin'.

It's no shit.

A couple of fringe friends and their girlfriends apparently REALLY hit it off, so much so that about half way through the float trip, when we all pulled over at the umpteenth sand bar to drink (cause you know you shouldn't drink and paddle), we lost them. We all shoved off, and about twenty minutes later we noticed that we were missing two couples.

We thought nothing of it and headed back to the end of the run and to our campsite.

And waited.

And waited.

And barbequed.

And drank.

And watched the sun set.

And waited.

And caught fireflies.

And finally, the four of them showed up, interrupting our speculative conversation...which actually centered around wife swappin' and river lovin'.

The rest of the night, the four maintained their distance from the rest of the group, finding harbor in a tent, which was actually pretty stupid because we could all see their shadows and hear their groans...and then we decided that if the "swingin' good timer's" were going to make all of us sick, we were going to disturb the slurping, slapping and sighing...by throwing a package of firecrackers into their tent.

God that was awesome.

And I thought nothing was louder than a whore's scream...My God was I wrong.

Slaps succumbed to snaps, cackles made way for crackles and banging just became BANG!

Ahh, the good times.

I'm hoping Dionysus stays home this weekend.

The Downhill Slide

2005-09-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

I've officially thrown in the towel. I'm nearly 31 and I can't wait for the season debut of The OC. Of course, there are certain reasons I watch the show (see Godess above), but I have to admit my crap filter has crumbled and succumbed to the eye candy and transparent plotlines that is The OC.

And for God's sake, I went out and bought a Rooney CD this weekend...

Levity

2005-09-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

In response to all the negative imagery and audio, enjoy a chunk of levity, on me.

Not to worry, I've got a lot of serious things to say, but maybe tomorrow.

Thanks to my friend Kirsten for the pics...

Pic O' the Day

2005-09-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

Disasters Are Regressive Events

2005-09-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how quickly we as a society can revert to primal thoughts and actions.

Quite honestly, I can't blame the looters.

If I were chest deep in the muck, or in any anarchistic situation anywhere else, you can damn sure bet there are a few things I would be stealing:

1. A gun - Beleive me, you're better off with one.
2. Cash from cash registers - In a crisis situation, cash = power.
3. Bottled drinks - For consumption and bartering.
4. Flashlights - Three for me, and the rest for bartering.
5. Granola Bars - They're small, sealed and portable.
6. Cigarette lighters - Don't get wet like matches and can be used to start fires for warmth or cooking.
7. Cigarettes- For bartering.
8. Medicine, especially Tylenol or Advil - For personal use and especially for bartering.

One question that comes to mind is:

With no radio or television, and everyone stranded in attics and on roofs throughout the city, how is word spreading that evacuations are taking place at the Superdome? If they're stranded five miles from there, and the only navigable means is a boat, how are these people staying informed of developments?

How about you? I only gave my list about 2 minutes of thought, which is probably a pretty realistic timeframe. What would you steal if it were you?

Google

2005-08-31T10:22:00.000-07:00

So I google imaged myself, and the picture of the people dancing was the first one that came up.

If you only knew...

AND THEN

I googled my best friend Van

and the portrait above was the first picture that jumped on the screen, followed by 5 more pages of the Nazi-mobile also pictured above.

Quote of the Day

2005-08-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

"Wrinkles only go where the smiles have been."
- Jimmy Buffett

Pic above is of a sunset Trixie and I enjoyed in Antigua.

A St. Louis Treasure

2005-08-31T05:23:00.000-07:00

Seriously, to be Mike Shannon for a day...

From Deb Peterson's Sunday Column:

OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT: Over the weekend, Rep. Russ Carnahan, D-St. Louis, popped up to the booth in Washington where the long-time voice of the Cardinals, Mike Shannon, was broadcasting the Cardinals game against the Nationals. At one point Shannon asked Carnahan how his dad was doing. Unfortunately, former Gov. Mel Carnahan, his son Randy, and a longtime aide, Chris Sifford, died in a tragic plane crash in 2000. The reaction from Carnahan and others in the press area? Silence.

Remember Faces of Death?

2005-08-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

Lifting the mask from 'Faces of Death'

Halloween is the right time for director John Schwartz to haunt audiences with tales of his scary film saga. The good news about the horrifying scenes it offers: They aren't entirely as real as the advertising claims.

By MICHAEL PATRICK WELCH

© St. Petersburg Times, published October 26, 2000

Most adolescent slumber parties in the '80s began or ended with a video screening of the cult classic, pseudo-snuff flick Faces of Death. After the movie, no slumber came, only nightmares and debate.

"Did those people really beat that monkey to death and eat its brains?"

"How did they get that footage of the flesh-eating cult?"

"Is that electric chair execution real?"

Is any of Faces of Death real? What does the man who made it say?

"I'll never forget: All of a sudden on the news one night they're talking about Faces of Death!" says John Schwartz, who directed and wrote the movie and its sequels I through IV (there are now eight Faces of Death movies). The flick was intended as a Japanese-only release in 1979, but found its way to the United States, and the national news, a couple of years later.

"I almost fell out of my chair," says Schwartz in a phone interview. "Dan Rather on CBS was talking about these "incredibly horrible videos.' 'Cause everybody thought they were real!"

If anybody thinks Faces of Death is footage of actual deaths, it's because it says so on the video's box, right under the cheesy drawing of the hooded skull with the forked tongue and fangs. Schwartz and company did film real footage of slaughterhouses and autopsy rooms, but any other "real" deaths came from file footage.

"We traveled to all these different film libraries to see what we could find about death and disaster," says Schwartz. "I found this footage of this woman jumping off a building, and it was just incredible footage. But the part of the footage we didn't have was the aftermath. So we (filmed) inserts into the actual footage to match it."

Then how did Schwartz and company acquire the more bizarre footage? "I was the leader of the flesh-eating cult," Schwart admits. "I had scenes in each of these movies. . . . I'm the crazy, drugged-out killer. . . . I play this freaky rapist in the courtroom scene, and they show the rape on video, and it just so happens that the girl (in the rape scene) was this girl I was dating at the time."

You mean, the famous electric chair scene was fake? But the guy was foaming at the mouth and everything!

"We built a cell in a friend's loft, and we lined the guy's mouth with toothpaste," says Schwartz, laughing. "My research material for that: I happened to pick up a Hustler magazine and there was this great article about electrocution that really detailed how a person is executed. . . . And that's what I used as my basis."

Schwartz is listed in Faces of Death credits as "Alan Black." "My middle name is Alan, and schwarz means black in German."

He used the fake name to prevent bias at his other jobs, writing for TV shows such as Night Rider, Street Hawk and The Fall Guy as well as original movies for HBO and Showtime. But to date, the original Faces of Death has grossed over $30-million. It cost $450,000 to make. These days, Schwartz proudly includes Faces of Death on his resume when cashing in on the "reality" entertainment trend which he helped pioneer.

He's currently working for ABC's Totally Out of Control Videos series. "I created Totally Out of Control Love and Totally Out of Control Vacation . . . real stories of people who got married jumping off cliffs and underwater and, you know, weird stuff."

But once a year, at Halloween, Schwartz speaks at college campuses about his adventures creating Faces of Death.

"It can't be denied," he says. "It's my legacy at this point."

Huh?

2005-08-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching Fox News this morning, and they're running a story on the oil crisis that will result from the Hurricane.

The shot is a live stand up, and the reporter advises us Americans that 30 percent of the nation's oil supply is produced by Gulf Coast refineries.

As he's saying this, creeping along the bottom of the screen is a statistic that the Gulf Coast produces 20 percent of the nation's oil supply

AND

As we cut away from the live shot, a graphic appears on the screen that shows that the Gulf Coast produces between 25 and 30 percent of the nation's oil supply.

I understand that the Hurricane is a breaking story, but wouldn't we have accurate oil supply numbers written down somewhere?

Maybe They're Having Diet Cokes...

2005-08-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

This Looks Like Van's Old Place

2005-08-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

Memories, on the corner of my mind

Misty water colored memories of the way we were

Scattered pictures...

Here's How I Know I'm Getting Old

2005-08-26T05:56:00.000-07:00

Pictured above is the Old 66 theater in Crestwood, MO.

I remember the theater well.

They tore it down after I graduated high school in 1992.

Across the street from the theater is Crestwood Mall.

Crestwood partnered with AMC about 15 years ago to build a new multi-screen cineplex right near the Dillard's store.

Word in the paper this morning is that Crestwood already plans to replace the AMC theater.

You know you're getting old when you see something both created and destroyed...

Pic O' the Day

2005-08-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

Sick.

Lost in Translation

2005-08-24T08:42:00.000-07:00

So last night Trixie and I dined on Chinese food and then went to pick up my dry cleaning.

My dry cleaner rocks.

Good guy, great service.

He's Korean, so sometimes I have to listen closely to what he's saying.

I walked in to get my items and he looks at me and pats his belly with both hands, and asks "When baby?"

I think he's having a go at me, so I grin and respond "Oh, a couple of months."

His faces contorts to reflect confusion and I bid him a good night on my way out the door.

I tell Trixie what he said and she laughs.

As I prowl down the street, however, his comments weigh heavier and heavier in my mind.

I then ask Trixie "I know I'm over weight, but I don't look pregnant, do I?"

She then tells me that she thinks he was inquiring as to when "we'll" be pregnant.

What do you think?

Currently Playing - Don't Worry Baby

2005-08-22T12:15:00.000-07:00

God I love this song.

Has it been re-made?

For some reason I think it would kick ass with some punk chords...

Well it’s been building up inside of me
For oh I don’t know how long
I don’t know why
But I keep thinking
Something’s bound to go wrong

But she looks in my eyes
And makes me realize
And she says don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby
Everything will turn out alright

Don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby

I guess I should’ve kept my mouth shut
When I started to brag about my car
But I can’t back down now
I pushed the other guys too far

She makes me come alive
And makes me wanna drive
When she says don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby
Everything will turn out alright

Don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby

She told me baby, when you race today
Just take along my love with you
And if you know how much I loved you
Baby nothing could go wrong with you

Oh what she does to me
When she makes love to me
And she says don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby
Everything will turn out alright

Don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby
Don’t worry baby

Howdy Neighbor!

2005-08-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

I got a new neighbor last Thursday.

Well, sort of.

I came home to find a Johnny on the Spot right next to my driveway.

The photo above is not the actual structure, I just thought it would be fun to put a picture up.

The Backstory:

I live in a beautiful, new neighborhood, at the end of a cul-de-sac.

I have one neighbor, to my left.

He moved in last December.

I moved in this June.

For about a month, we had the entire street to ourselves.

We are the only houses on our side of the street.

There are ten vacant lots between the main road and my house.

A while ago, they started building five houses right across the street from my neighbor and I.

With that came:

The muddy tire tracks

The hammering at 5:30 a.m.

The "crew" gathering at 5:15 a.m. and discussing, quite loudly, their weekend...in great detail. Complete with the screaming of obscenities. Lots of whooping involved.

The "crew" using our outdoor water spigot to fill their water coolers.

"Crew Parties" on Friday nights, where maybe four or five crew members, who stop working at 2:00 in the afternoon, will enjoy not one, not two, but dozens of beers. Things have been to the point where they will run out and purchase more beer. Women and friends who don't even work on the job site will join their friends in the garage of a home under construction until well past 8:00 p.m.

Delivery men and concrete trucks blocking our driveways.

You get the point?

It's great to have a new house...it sucks to be one of the first houses on the street.

So, as you can imagine, the events above have compounded in my mind and I have reached the point of feeling dizzy, seein' stars, breakin' pencils mad...

So, I discover a new "structure" next to my house and I LOSE IT.

I don't even turn into my driveway, I round the cul-de-sac and head to the construction office.

Of course, the foreman is gone for the day and I contact the main office. I speak with a woman who can't understand why I'm so mad. After all, it IS a construction zone...I ask her "Would you wan't it next to YOUR house?" I'm quickly assured it will be moved the next day. She was going to call the foreman and let him know.

Not satisfied with the response, I call my neighbor, who hasn't seen the "new addition".

His response: "Oh, fuck that. We're the only houses on our side of the street, and there's how many vacant lots up the street?" "I'll take care of it."

So, an hour later, my neighbor and I moved the "offender", (and oh did it offend) to the street and pushed it, with his truck, up the street, four lots away from my house.

It sat there over the weekend.

I came back on Monday, and it had been moved betweeen two houses under construction, at the bend of the cul-de-sac.

Where it should have been all along.

So, Trixie, ever greatful for me being the one to play the bad cop, but also quick to tell me that I place too many demands on people, comments that "they must have gone to move that thing Monday and thought 'Jesus Christ, this thing is four lots away! What the fuck was this guy complaining about?'".

Sometimes, to get things done, and get them done right, you just do it yourself.

Currently Playing - November Rain

2005-08-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

Alright, the guy's a hoosier scum bag, but God damn, these are deep lyrics.

I used to listen to this song incessantly the summer after my high school graduation.

I'm thirty now and it still holds up.

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

The National Pastime Corrupted

2005-08-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

EYES...BLINDED...BY...JOSE’S ASS...OR...STERIODS...MUST...LOOK...AWAY.

What's your caption for this photo?

It's A Contest!

2005-08-18T05:40:00.000-07:00

What male species has the biggest unit?

Seen Yesterday

2005-08-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

Two flies doin' it.

Okay, So Just Admit It...

2005-08-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

What's the strangest/funniest thing that's ever happened to you during "the act"?

I'll go first.

A long time ago, I was engaged in the act with a girlfriend, when all the sudden I feel a licking in my rear.

Thinking "Wow! My girlfriend's the greatest! She brought a friend along to toss salad!", I turn around to see it's her damn dog...

Follow It to the Ferry

2005-08-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

So after Trixie and I finished our pizza at Fortel's Pizza Den the other evening, we decided to take a drive to find a neighborhood where a friend is building a new home. So, we soon found ourselves on Old Lemay Ferry Road, headed south.

As both of us grew up in South County, we have long been accustomed to traveling up and down Lemay Ferry Road, named in honor of the Lemais Ferry, which operated in the 1800's as a crossing point from one side of the Meramec River to the other.

As I was saying...

So, we're headed south on Old Lemay Ferry, inclining, descending, curving, all along ears popping and admiring the trailer splattered landscape.

I figure we can take the road as far as it intersects with a major road, turn around and say "Wow that was fun. I had no idea Old Lemay Ferry went down that far!"

After 25 minutes, we're still headed down Delta way and we pass underneath an elevated HWY M.

I know where we are and feel we haven't sufficiently explored the windy ways and sleepy hollows that are deep Jefferson County.

Maybe 2 miles past HWY M is Jen-nay's House, pictured above.

In spite of this, we continue the journey.

Bounding, climbing and braking, we enter a quaint little existence of a town square that's seen better days.

We pass the Antonia Liquor and More store and continue descending deeper into what's quickly becoming rurally unfriendly.

I'm determined to find the next major road and then turn around.

We then arrive in Goldman, MO.

HUH? I've lived in St. Louis all my life and have never heard of Goldman, MO.

After all, we're only like 35 minutes from Downtown St. Louis.

The picture is proof of the town.

Got a fire department and everything...

I drive maybe another mile and am confronted by the stop sign pictured above.

Again, HUH?

No ROAD ENDS signs, no SLOW DOWN signs, no STATE PARK signs, no

the road just ends.

I find myself in the Shady Creek State Historic Site.

HUH?

Never heard of it.

Next I find the historic covered bridge (Pictured above, but I hope you've figured that out by now. If not, you're a waterhead and I'd appreciate you just leaving now and never coming back.)

at the end of Old Lemay Ferry road.

So, if there's a bridge, and there has been since 1872

why the fuck would I take a ferry???